Forget Not Me
by Helen Pattskyn
Summary: Near the end of the 26th century, Jack meets someone who brings back a flood of old memories... but is it really him or does Jack just want it to be? Not REALLY a Torchwood fic, as only Jack is still alive... See note inside about rating.
1. Chapter 1

**Forget Not Me**

**A/N:**

A HUGE thank you to the fantastic **Sidlerocks** for going through after the fact and beta'ing this for me. And for her wonderful contributions to this saga, **Interlude**... and another tale that is forthcoming ;-)

Once again I would like to 'cast' one of my original characters:**William Moseley **(probably most notable as Peter in the Narnia movies) is who I would cast to play Kamden Anders.

**Synopsis:**

Near the end of the 26th century, Jack meets someone who brings back a flood of old memories…but is it really him or does Jack just want it to be?

**Rating:**

**M**, contains Jack Harkness…

Seriously, though, there is an element of sexual violence that while not graphic is most definitely relevant to the plot and therefore clearly visible.

* * *

**Chapter One**

………………

_To Live. To Love. To Remember. To Love Again._

………………**.**

The ship listed heavily to one side, nearly sending Jack tumbling out of his seat.

"What the Hell is going on out there!" he demanded angrily of no one in particular – or maybe everybody in general.

"Sorry Sir," the young man at the navigational controls flushed a deep shade of pink.

Jack stood up and stalked over to the kid, his ire openly displayed in the grimace on his face. "'Sorry' isn't an acceptable answer, Mister," he snapped.

The young man looked up at him, clearly petrified. He was new. They all were. Jack hated breaking in a new crew.

What Jack didn't know was that the kid was the least liked member of his new crew or why. It occured to him that two weeks out of port, he should probably know them all by name… try as he might, though, he couldn't remember what this one was called. He remembered seeing him around… the ship wasn't that big and there was only so much one could do in one's off duty hours. But Jack made it a point not to fraternize. He didn't want any of them getting their hopes up that he might hire them on permanently.

He never did.

One crew. One job. When the job was done, he hired a new crew. It might play havoc on his nerves every time had to break in a new bunch, but in the long run it was easier on him than getting attached.

The Captain sighed, settling his hands on his hips. "How old are you?" he asked in what he hoped was a less menacing tone. Scaring the crew half to death was no way to get the job done. It wasn't a very good way to start a six month salvage operation, either.

The kid at the nav controls hesitated before answering in a quiet tone, "Twenty next month, Sir."

"Why exactly did you sign on with me?" _and why exactly did I let you? _he wondered. Even with all the kids out there desperate to find jobs, a month shy of twenty was a little young to be flying a ship the size of his _Bonny Welshman. _

His crew was small; there weren't more than a dozen or so men and women aboard the medium sized F-class transport. F-class ships were designed to carry a crew compliment of at least twice that number, but the economy being what it was, everybody was cutting back. Which was why, Jack realized, he really _should_ know this kid's name, at least from when he'd hired him…

He gave the kid a second look and realized he didn't actually remember signing him on. But Mr. Smeed, his first officer, may have done it. Smeed had a bad habit of going behind Jack's back and doing things like that… he was the only permanent member of Jack's crew.

The boy swallowed, but didn't seem to have an answer to the question.

"How long have you been flying?" Jack asked something he presumed the kid could answer.

"I… grew up on a ship, Sir. F-class, just like this one," he added in a hopeful tone.

_So much for that assumption…_ Jack bit back his ire. "No formal training, I take it," he said what the kid wouldn't.

He knew that lots of kids grew up on ships, learned to do all kinds of things. Most of them could do their jobs better than the ones formally trained. But no one would hire anyone unless they had the Proper Certification. Only Proper Certification cost money and these days that was something few people had. Jack didn't care that his first officer overlooked a person's documented education…

The ship listed again.

Steadying himself against the young man's chair, Jack barked at him to either get the ship under control or get off the bridge.

"It's not me, Sir, I swear!"

Jack glared, but glancing down at the controls for himself, he could see that the kid wasn't lying. Every instrument had gone haywire. But with the economy what it was, it was hard to keep up with routine maintenance…

Another wild tilt brought the younger man flying out of his seat and right into Jack's arms. Jack caught him and took the brunt of the blow as they slammed into the bulkhead opposite the nav station. He held the boy a little tighter when the ship rocked again, sending them rolling. He ended up with the younger man laying on top of him, blushing uncontrollably. He scrambled off the Captain, frantically apologizing.

The rest of the bridge crew scrambled back to their stations.

"Leese – I want to know what the Hell is going on out there and I want to know it yesterday! Jennings – see if you can bump some power from auxiliary to get us leveled out. You," he looked to the blond…

"I'm sorry, Sir…"

Jack waved it off. "Just get back to your station and do your job." He would take up the subject of the kid's contract with Smeed later.

…………………………………………………………………

"You again," Jack muttered as the young pilot came out of the head. "If we keep meeting like this, the rest of the crew is going to start talking," he raised his eyebrows as he flashed a lascivious smirk. When he wasn't being tossed around his ship like a ragdoll, he was a lot less snarly. He hadn't even bothered to interrogate his first officer about hiring a kid so wet behind the ears he squeaked when he walked. Realistically, there wasn't much he could do about it, anyway. They were already out past the main shipping lanes. In another week, they'd be beyond known space all together. (Although by known all that was really meant was 'controlled' or 'patrolled'. People went mucking about in the uncharted, unclaimed, unpatrolled regions all the time. Not all of them came back, of course… hence, it was a great place to go looking for salable junk. It was also a great place for a man like Jack Harkness who had little to no tolerance for the current establishment.)

And he still didn't know that the rest of the crew was already talking about the attractive blond, standing right under his nose, blushing.

"Sorry…" the boy stammered. He looked like he was trying to figure out how to pass the Captain in the narrow corridor. There weren't too many options; squeezing by was the most practical.

Jack just shook his head, "Looks like I should have oiled up before deciding to take a leak," he teased, unable to help his expression as they pushed past each other. To his credit, the kid managed to laugh, just a little.

Entirely without his meaning it to, Jack's hand ended up where it shouldn't have.

"Careful. That's harassment, Sir…" the boy shot him a wink.

Jack stopped in his tracks, both hands planted firmly the kid's hips, keeping him from moving. "What did you just say?" he breathed, the familiar words bringing back a flood of bittersweet memories that had been silenced by the centuries.

Earth.

Cardiff.

Blue grey eyes.

Beautiful vowels.

His Welshman.

For an instant he could almost see Ianto's face in the dark of his memory… almost. Ultimately, all remembered were blue grey eyes, a cup of coffee, a suit… a pterodactyl… a stopwatch… a red beret. All he wanted to remember was the sound of a voice… the face of the man he'd loved…

The boy he was holding onto turned bright red, "I'm sorry Sir. It was just a joke… really, Sir. It was stupid of me. I know you didn't mean… I was just trying… I'll shut up now. Sir," he added quickly. "I'm sorry," he said again, anyway.

Jack took a breath. Just a joke. A harmless statement. A coincidence, just like earlier when he'd found this particular young man lying on top of him on the bridge. He forced a smile, "At ease, Kid. I really don't eat pilots for breakfast."

The boy didn't relax, even when Jack eased up his grip. He seemed unable to meet the Captain's gaze.

"What's your name, anyway?" Jack asked him.

"Anders. Kamden Anders."

Jack chuckled despite himself, "Well, Anders, Kamden Anders, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta answer Nature's call here."

Anders flushed, "Yes, Sir. I really am sorry. What I said. Sir."

"No harm done, Mr. Anders."

"Thank you, Sir," he squeezed past to let the Captain attend to necessities.

…………………………………………………………..

Kamden Anders was grateful when he found that his cabin mate, Torren Fletcher, wasn't in the cramped cubical they shared on one of the ship's lower levels.

Fletcher – or Fletch to his friends, something Kam _wasn't _– had been the first of the crew to figure out what he was, the first to see the tattoos on his wrists he tried so very hard to conceal beneath thick leather bracelets. But it was hard to conceal the truth on a ship this small.

The bracelets themselves were enough to suggest that there might be something worth hiding under them. And everybody knew what that something was likely to be. It hadn't taken the bigger man much effort at all to pin him down and pull them off, seeming to revel in his humiliation.

He'd begged Fletcher not to say anything… he'd satisfied the other man's brutal carnal desires to ensure his silence, but Fletcher couldn't seem to help himself but brag about his 'good luck' to have been assigned Kamden Anders as a cabin mate.

Kam let the hatch slide shut behind him and leant up against it, letting the cool of the metal soothe his nerves. They were only bruises. He'd had worse. It was the price one paid for being born poor. Pretty.

Biting back tears over a life over which he had had no control, Kam sank into his bunk.

All he had to do was get through six months. The pay off from his contract would be just enough to get the tattoos removed (as long as he didn't care too much about the scar that would be left behind, which he didn't.) There wouldn't be much left for him to live on, but on a salvage operation there was always the chance of a bonus at the end. Maybe. It didn't matter.

If did well, maybe he could get Mr. Smeed to write him a Letter. A Letter was almost as good as a Certification these days. With a Letter and the tattoos gone, he might be able to find a permanent position, something that didn't involve being on his back or on his knees.

_Six months,_ Kam told himself. All he had to do was get through six months and he could really call himself a free man.

* * *

**A/N:**

_The first time I heard this song, I knew what the title of this story was going to be… _

Forget me not, I ask of you  
Wherever your life takes you to  
And if we never meet again  
Think of me every now and then

We had just one day to recall  
Now all I want is something more  
Than just a fading memory  
Left wondering what could have been.

Isn't it a shame, that the timing's all wrong  
You're doing what you never meant to,  
There's always something that prevents you.  
Well I believe in fate, it had to happen this way  
But it always leaves me wondering whether...  
In another life we'd be together.  
We should feel lucky we can say... we've always got yesterday

And as I leave it all behind  
You're still emblazoned in my mind  
And for that very special day  
Nobody loved me in that way

Forget me not, I ask of you  
Wherever your life takes you to  
And if we never meet again  
Think of me every now and then

Forget me not I ask...  
I ask of you

By Lucie Silvas


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter One

**Wow… **I really didn't anticipate such a positive response to this. THANK YOU!

Ok, this is officially taking on a life of its own, from a few drabble-y scenes to a real story, mostly as I flesh Kam out… originally it was all Jack's head. Anyway, the **M** warning continues to stand. I hope y'all continue to enjoy.

……………………………………………………………

**Chapter Two**

………………

"_Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again…"_

– _Ananis Nin_

………………**.**

_Strong arms held him close, bringing a sense of security he knew he'd never felt in real life… a scent… something so familiar it __**had**__ to be real… spice… musk… heat… _

"_I will love you for the rest of my life…" _

_The words broke his heart. Nno one would ever love him, not in real life. _

_But there were those arms again, wrapping him up in warmth like a blanket and when he looked up he saw blue eyes… the most beautiful blue eyes… they belonged to a man who didn't care what he was… a man who saw him as a real person, not a Service Provider, two holes and a stem. _

Kam felt wakefulness returning to his body and clung desperately to the dream for as long as he could. He clung to the feeling of warmth. Of love… of being loved. Of loving somebody. Something so simple, it shouldn't be so impossible, but he knew it was. He knew what people saw when they looked at him.

It was only his dreams that he found any comfort.

It was the same dream he'd always had, for as far back as he could remember… sure, there were variances. When he was _much_ younger, the arms held him protectively like a father might – not that he'd ever known his father.

As he grew older, the arms held him like a lover would. A _real_ lover. Somebody who honestly cared…

But it was just a dream.

The dream of every child sold to one of the Red Houses by destitute parents, he imagined. It was the dream that some day, somebody (preferably rich, of course) would walk in the door and want him for who he was, not what he could provide. An hour's entertainment. A night of mind blowing sex. A fantasy.

Then they went back to their lives while he was stuck in his, wondering what the next client would want, wondering if the next person who came through the door would be his man with the blue eyes.

Kam knew that in reality no such man existed. Handsome men with strong arms and blue eyes only swept into the lives of people like him in trashy romance novels and stupid dreams.

Shaking off the last of remnant of the fantasy he knew would only make him miserable, he dragged himself out of his bunk. Luck was still with him, Fletcher wasn't in his bed. Maybe he'd found someone else to fuck.

"God, I hope so," Kam muttered. He wasn't sure he could endure six months of Fletcher's abuse.

Fucking was no problem. Fucking, sucking, whatever. He had two holes and a stem and he knew how to use them. But Fletcher's tastes ran towards the sadistic… not that that was a new experience, either, but at least in the Houses, he'd had proper medical care afterwards. Time for the bruises to heal, if only because the next client didn't want to look at his predecessors' handiwork. There were days he looked forward to the sadistic types; a few well placed bruises meant a week off with nothing to do but read and dream.

Here on the outside, on this little ship, there was no protection, no time off. No place to get away. If he went to the infirmary, he would have to explain where the bruises came from. The truth would only turn the crew more against him than they were already.

At least as things stood, he could count on them not to tell the Captain or Mr. Smeed. The crew would almost _always_ stick together against the senior offices. But if he turned snitch, it was over, the Captain would be told. He could void Kam's contract and dump him on the first habitable planet.

Or worse, he could take him back.

He suspected that Mr. Smeed had figured it out all on his own, but the man struck him as the 'don't ask / don't tell' type. As long as he kept his nose clean and stayed out of the Captain's way, like Mr. Smeed said he should do when he signed him on, he would be fine.

He only wished Smeed had assigned a post that brought him into less contact with the Captain, but what he'd said about growing up on an F-class ship was true. He'd learned to fly, he remembered his mother telling him, even before he could walk. Which wasn't uncommon on some ships… she was pilot and there was no such thing as child care, so where she went, so did her son.

Kam shook his head to clear it of bittersweet memories. It wasn't his mother who had sent him to the Red House.

He found a clean shirt and pants and grabbed up his little bag of personal necessities. Now, if luck held, Fletcher wouldn't be in the showers, either.

As it turned out, his luck did hold, but only a little. It wasn't Fletcher in the showers, it was Maecus Leese and Roberta Tolbert.

He didn't know much about Tolbert, but being stationed next to Leese on the bridge the two few weeks, he had a feel for the man's personality and he didn't like it.

"Shower's full," Leese informed him in a gruff tone.

He was a little older than Kam, maybe in his twenties, like Fletcher. Like Fletcher, he had thick dark hair; unlike Fletcher, Leese was dark skinned and wore his hair a little on the long side. He let his beard grow, too, something no reputable Captain would tolerate.

Of course one didn't find oneself on a ship like this, under a short term contract, if one could find work under a reputable Captain…

"Leave off," Tolbert rose to Kam's defense. "There's two of us and six stalls."

Kam felt his cheeks grow flush as he wondered why exactly she was coming to his defense. The whole crew knew what he was… he wondered what she wanted from him.

Leese was about to open his mouth, most likely to argue with her, when the door opened.

It took Jack all of three seconds to see that something was brewing, although he had no idea what. "Problem in here, Kids?" he asked in a brisk, friendly tone as he set his down toiletry bag on the counter just inside the door.

"No, Sir." Lesse answered without quite making eye contact.

"Good." Jack stripped quickly out of his clothes, tossing them into a heap in the corner. "Hope you don't mind," he said to his crewmen. "This morning's… mishap… made a mess of my quarters. But don't let my being here stop you Kids from whatever you were up to," he shot a wink at the three of them as he headed down to the last stall in the row.

Leese, he knew, had his eye on several of the ladies aboard, including Tolbert. Not that he expected her to be swayed by Tall Dark and Handsome over there.

Jack had found much amusement over the centuries making predictions about who would end up with whom, at least in the short term.

Awkwardly, Leese slipped out of the rest of his clothing and took the shower stall furthest away from the Captain. The 'stalls' were little more than waist high barriers between spigots, designed to offer only the vaguest amount of privacy. And the Captain had a certain reputation…

Tolbert sidled in a couple stalls down from Leese, still keeping a courteous distance from the senior officer.

Kam felt his gut tightening as he slipped out of his own clothing, folding his dirties up methodically and setting them on the shelf next to his little necessities bag. He didn't remove the thick leather bands on his wrists.

He picked up his bag and looked down the row of showers. Aware of Lesse's disdainful glower, a look of clear warning, he realized, Kam walked past Leese, just like he'd originally intended to do anyway, and took the slot one down from Tolbert. Everybody knew Leese had his eyes on her; Kam would rather stand next to the Captain than risk Leese's ire, even if was relatively certain Tolbert wasn't going to return Leese's 'affections.'

"So we meet again," the Captain shot a wry smirk his way.

Kam cleared his throat. He didn't want to respond, he just wanted to keep his nose clean and stay out of the Captain's way. But he had to say something; he'd been spoken to. "Yes, Sir, so it seems." He turned on the water and prayed that the Captain would ignore him.

The spray of hot water washed away the last of the dream that still managed to haunt him. Kam stood under it so long, his eyes closed, his mind focused on Nothing, that he didn't notice it wasn't long before he and the Captain were the only two people left in the showers.

"You gonna leave any hot water for the next guy?" the Captain's voice cut through the Nothing.

Kam blinked. He realized his fingers were pruning. "I…" he noticed that the Captain was standing in front of him holding something.

A towel.

With shaky hands, he accepted it, suddenly fearful of what the rest of the crew would think of him being alone with the Captain… he knew they would find out. It wasn't his reputation, per se, he was concerned with. He was beneath the crew and he knew it. What he didn't want was them thinking he was trying to get above himself. Above them…

"You ok?"

Kam blinked. "Sir?"

"I couldn't help but notice the bruises, there."

He flushed. "I… must've knocked myself around this morning," he covered quickly, suddenly grateful for the incident that had sent them all tumbling around the ship. "I'm sure it's nothing," he added quickly, fearful that the Captain would suggest a trip to the infirmary.

Jack nodded, his expression carefully masked so as not to betray his skepticism. Some of the bruising might be from this morning, but some of it was clearly a week old or more. Maybe it was time to have that chat with Smeed after all…


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you again... wow...! I hope this continues to be enjoyed, now I feel the pressure ;-)

Part of the ability to write so much stems from my loathing of housework... heheheh. This is my relaxation, it's what I do to keep happy, healthy and sane. Oh yeah, and I could have passed my test yesterday even if I hadn't read the text, it really is Office Etiquette for Complete and Total Morons... it's a required psychology course.

I was going to write the last bit even without the prompt... but it's for Roo anyway, who wanted to see more of Mr. Smeed ... yes, he is pretty much an adorable old coot (hmmm... not sure 'coot' is a word you guys use in the UK... but you probably get the idea.)

* * *

**Chapter Three**

………………

_"Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence."_

_- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow_

………………**.**

Kam's luck finally ran out when he got back to his cabin. He barely had the door open when rough hands grabbed him and hauled him in. His dirty clothing and his personals went skittering all over the floor as Fletcher slammed him into the wall opposite the door.

Leese was standing right behind him, looking pissed.

Fletcher pinned his elbow into the younger man's throat and dug in so hard it made his eyes water. "What did you say to the Captain, _cyprian_?" he growled, only just barely letting up enough so the other could answer.

"Nothing! Flet..…" he choking, as the other man's elbow pushed into his windpipe again. He tried to push Fletcher off him, but he wasn't strong enough. Six years serving in a Red House hadn't exactly lent itself to building up a lot of muscle.

Easing back again, just a little, Fletcher demanded to know why his cabin mate had spent so much time in the showers, then.

"I just… I lost track of time… I didn't know it was just him and me… why would I want to be in the showers with the Captain!"

"Good question," came the cold reply.

"What could I say that he would believe, anyway? He doesn't care about me." Why did those words hurt? There was no reason the Captain would care about him. No reason he should want him to. "He's the Captain. He doesn't care about any of us," Kam told him, more to take the sting out of his own statement than anything else.

Fletcher pushed the younger man roughly to his knees, his expectations clear.

Kam let his mind go towards the Nothing, performing the necessary task automatically. He didn't need to think about what he was doing to please a man like Fletcher… Leese either, although he'd seen the look of disgust on the other man's face when he first started going down Fletcher. At the end of the day what he'd learned when he first went into Service would always be true: It didn't matter what a man _said_ his preferences were, give him a hole and he'll use it.

When Fletcher ordered him to get his pants off, he slipped out of them and presented himself for use, his face turned towards the wall. Men like Fletcher and Leese didn't want to see his face… and doing anything other than complying with the order would only result in more bruises. The ones Fletcher gave him strictly for his own amusement were bad enough, but if he tried to fight back, Kam knew how much worse it would get. There was no protection for someone like him, not outside the Houses…

Kam lay on the cabin floor curled in on himself long after they'd gone.

He told himself that he shouldn't have expected better… he shouldn't have expected to be treated any differently than this.

All he had to do was get through the next six months… _but will it ever get better…? _He wondered. Or would people always see him as something beneath them. Something to be used and then thrown away.

There were so many disposable classes… unskilled or semi-skilled workers… anyone without Proper Certification. Men like Fletcher and Leese… If they had Certification, they wouldn't be here, either.

Finally, slowly, painfully, Kam picked himself up off the floor and pulled his pants back on.

He gathered up his things and slunk back down to the showers, grateful that this time no one was there.

He let the hot water wash over him for the second time in one day. It carried away the stench. The fluids. But it couldn't carry away the tightness in his gut or the sick taste of bile and semen at the back of his throat. It couldn't even warm him up, but at least on the outside he was clean again.

He put on clean pants. A clean shirt. The one he'd been wearing reeked of Fletcher… or maybe it was all in his head. The whole ship smelled so much of oil and time-worn metal it was hard to smell anything else most of the time.

He ran his fingers though his hair, pulling out the worst of the snarls. He took a deep breath and told himself that at least he would be safe for the rest of the night. Fletcher couldn't get it up more than a couple of times in any given day, and by his reckoning he'd gotten off a good three times. Leese only once.

Kam snorted. Why was it always the ones that went on and on about their sexual prowess who were the least good at it? Not that either of them would have been trying to prove anything to _him_ – he was just a receptacle and he knew it. But even a receptacle could judge whether or not the man using him was any good at it when he wanted to be.

Lesse was clumsy and quick, all grunts and fast, hard thrusts. He could get off that way, but he would never enjoy himself doing it.

Kam gathered up his things and checked the time.

Third Meal would be over by now. Like on most ships, at least the ones without regular crews, meals aboard the _Bonny Welshman _were served at specific times; if you missed out, you didn't eat. He didn't think he could eat anyway, so it probably didn't matter.

He crept through the dimly lit corridors without any real destination in mind. The ship was just big enough that if he stuck to the passageways that weren't on the main line – the corridors that lay between the mess and the crew cabins or that led to the bridge – he might not run into anybody.

F-class ships were all laid out pretty much the same, so this ship wasn't much different form the memories he had of the one he'd grown up on, the _Archimedes_.

Cargo storage was on the lowest decks, then the engines and crew cabins. Then the mess, the infirmary and more storage areas (for day to day consumables). Then the bridge and officers' cabins. Sometimes the officers had their own mess but Mr. Smeed ate with the crew, at his own table of course.

Captain Harkness seemed to prefer to dine in his office. Before today, the only time Kam had ever seen the Captain was on the bridge and even that was rare. He seemed to prefer to let Smeed do the day to day running of his ship; Kam didn't know enough to know if that was usual or not. Not that it mattered.

The Captain didn't care about him. Why should he?

Just because he had blue eyes…

…………………………………………………………………

Jack found his first officer sitting at the little corner table in the mess, all his attention focused on the little 'pad' that held all the information they had on the space he was planning on flying into. Smeed's other hand was holding a fork that looked as if it had been hanging there between his plate and his mouth for at least the last ten minutes.

Jack sauntered over, grinning. "Are you actually going to eat that, or do you expect it to crawl up your arm and jump into your mouth all on its own?"

Smeed jumped. "For the love of…! Gave me a fright and a half you did!"

Jack laughed at him (although anyone who actually knew Smeed would have realized that it wasn't ill-received.)

The rest of the crew had stopped eating when the Captain came in. Most of them had only seen him a handful of times since they'd left port. Smeed was the man who ran the ship, the man they reported to and got their orders from. Most of them were just as pleased not to have to deal with their Captain.

Harkness had a certain reputation… several of them, but most notably, he was said to bed anything that moved and the last thing any of them needed was a reputation as 'the Captain's pet'. No one would hire you if they suspected you'd gotten your last contract on your back or on your knees.

James Smeed, on the other hand, was said to be tough as nails, but fair. He didn't care what the crew did as long as they kept it behind closed doors and if he'd ever engaged in any affairs aboard ship, no one ever found out about it.

Smeed was in his fifties and fit the description Jack had always associated with the word 'grizzled'. There were days when he was tempted to call him Ahab, although thankfully Smeed didn't have any whales in his past he was trying to chase down, white or otherwise.

"Finally decide to come out of your office, eh?" he asked when Jack, still smirking, pulled up a chair and sat down opposite him.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Sounds ominous."

The other shrugged. "Probably not." He glanced around the mess, noticing that Anders wasn't amongst the crewmen having dinner. As near as he could figure everyone else was there… odd. He'd never known a sailor, whether he was on the sea or in the sky, to miss a meal.

"Problem?" Smeed inquired at the other man's seemingly contemplative silence.

Jack turned back to his first officer, keeping his voice low enough not to be over heard; most of the crew had gone back to their conversations anyway. Smeed did a good job of making sure they were afraid of him so they tended to keep their distance. "Tell me about Kamden Anders," said Jack.

"You've got a problem with him?" Smeed sounded surprised.

"I didn't say I had a problem with anybody," he realized he sounded defensive. "I just wanted to know why you've got some twenty year old flying my ship."

"You're not going to hold this morning against him are you, Jackie?"

Jack shrugged again. They'd flown through a magnetic field that had temporarily scrambled the main navigational system. Up was down and down was up… it really wasn't the kid's fault other than he should have seen it coming and avoided it. "You hired him behind my back."

"He seemed like a good kid. If you want to void…"

"We're too far out to start voiding contracts and you know it."

"Got one last stop, Omega Station," he reminded the Captain.

Omega was the last outpost before they left patrolled territory, not that the territory around Omega was particularly well patrolled. Outside the shipping lanes, one was lucky (bearing in mind that bad luck was still luck) to see any kind of military or law enforcement personnel.

The so-called Great and Bountiful Human Empire was expanding faster than the government could keep up with it.

"Let's take a walk," Jack got to his feet.

"I'm in the middle of m'dinner!"

Jack gave him a look, "You weren't eating anyway."

"One of these days, Harkness, my patience is going to run out…"

"And then what?" Jack challenged.

"I'll shove you out an airlock just for shits and giggles."

The older man laughed. They both knew how much good _that_ would do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you again!** I really will be getting back to my other stories soon, but this one has been playing on my head.

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………………………………………………………**.…….**

**Chapter Four**

………………

"_And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."_

_- Anais Nin_

………………**.**

"So what's on yer mind?" Smeed asked when they'd cleared the mess.

"Anders."

"What about him?" Jack's first officer knew he had to be more than just peeved about this morning's incident with the magnetic field.

Things like that happened; maybe the kid could have avoided it if had more experience, better training, but they took what they could get, especially when it came to skilled positions. Certified pilots wouldn't touch a ship like the Captain's _Welshman. _Anders was the closest thing Smeed had seen to a real pilot in months, barring the ones that had lost their Papers due to incidents involving drunkenness or drugs. "Anders do something?" he asked.

"I ended up in the shower with him…"

"_Jackie…"_

"Not like that!" Jack rolled his eyes. "Sheesh. Give me a _little_ credit."

Smeed scoffed at the thought. "I take it I need to come down and do a repair on yours?"

"When you get a chance. I'd rather have the nav system looked at. And I want to know why the Hell our sensors didn't pick up that magnetic field until we were in the middle of it."

The other man nodded, making a mental note to forget about any personal R & R while they were docked at Omega. Not that he usually got any personal R & R when they were there. It was the last chance they would have to make sure the _Welshman_ was in the best shape she – or _he_ as Jack insisted his ship be referred to – could be in. "So… Anders?" he prompted.

"What do you know about him?"

Smeed shrugged, "What do we know about any of them?"

Jack shot him a look.

"I seen him loitering around the docks a few days… week maybe. Just this skinny, scared lookin' kid who seemed t'be working up the nerve to ask for a job. Didn't look like nobody'd touch him, but I kinda figured why, boy with looks like that. Finally, our last day there, he slinks over and asks if we need anything done… anything at all, he says. He's not looking for a contract, just a little day work."

"So why exactly did you offer him a contract?"

"I seem to remember… what, 'bout thirty years back…? A kid I knew had just got himself out of a bad spot. Not the same sort of bad spot… this kid wasn't half so cute as your Mr. Anders," he smirked. "But I seem to remember a certain Captain giving him a chance when nobody else would touch him."

"Thirty years ago the galaxy was a different place." Thirty years ago it was safe to take a chance on a kid with no experience and a couple of skeletons in his closet.

"It's only different now because people made it different, Jackie."

Jack stuffed his hands into his pockets. He knew that things would get better. He'd live to see it. Smeed wouldn't. None of his crew would, in fact.

It was going to take another three centuries before the Human Empire caught up with itself and finally became both Great and Bountiful… just in time to be torn apart by civil war.

"What's this really about?" Smeed wanted to know.

"Nothing."

The other man gave him a look that clearly said he didn't believe him.

"Nothing I can't handle," Jack amended with a smirk.

"Now _that_ worries me."

The Captain chuckled, "Don't let it. And for the record, you weren't so bad looking way back when."

"Flattery, my friend, will get you everywhere."

"I know," he winked, sauntering towards his quarters.

………………………………………………….

Kam stared out at the stars; he'd forgotten that on some of the upper decks, even on lowly F-class transports, there were windows allowing a view of space. It was beautiful.

And this far from the constant buzz and clang of the engines, it was peaceful as well. Quiet.

He leant his head against the cool, clear barrier between himself and the infinity of space. It made him feel so small… all those stars. All those worlds… all those people… he was barely a speck.

They were all just specks.

He closed his eyes and wondered if somewhere out there, there really might be a speck with blue eyes and strong arms who would hold him tight, make him feel safe… loved… his chest heaved under the familiar weight of loneliness.

No one wanted someone like him, someone so thoroughly used up.

Just the same, he couldn't get the Captain's blue eyes out of his head… when he wasn't yelling at him, he was incredibly good looking… he had a fantastic smile.

But he couldn't afford that day dream, either. A man like Captain Harkness would want him for one thing and one thing only. It wasn't unappealing, but if word got around that he was nothing more than a Captain's pet, he would never get another contract, never get a permanent position.

The only chance he had at real freedom was to do his job, beg Mr. Smeed for a Letter. Get the tattoos removed. Find some backwater planet where he could settle in, find employment. Maybe _then _he could think about men with blue eyes…

……………………………………………………………

Although he knew he shouldn't be there, Kam found himself spending more of his off-duty time on the upper decks. It seemed as if no one really went there. He could get away from Fletcher, read his books, watch the stars and just _be. _

He only owned two books. Real books. His mother had given him one of them; he'd managed to hang onto it all this time. _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_ it was called.

The other was one of those trashy romances where the Dashing (rich) Hero swoops in and saves the Beautiful Boy from a life of destitution and misery… it was utterly unrealistic, but he loved it because it was his, purchased with his own money and read over and over until he feared the pages might fall out.

Tonight, however, it was him and Dorothy watching the stars go by... watching Omega Station grow ever larger as the _Bonny Welshman _approached it.

He knew they'd be stopping there to refuel and replenishing supplies. The Captain would likely give the crew a day or two of shore leave while final repairs were made on the ship. Especially after that incident with the magnetic field.

He felt his cheeks grow flush, remembering rolling around the floor with the Captain. And in the corridor afterwards… he couldn't _believe _he'd had the nerve to say what he'd said… the words just sprang out of his mouth… Kam shook himself and went back to his book. He knew better than to have daydreams that involved a man like Captain Harkness.

He became so engrossed in the story, despite the fact that he'd read it a million times at least, that he didn't hear the sound of footfalls in the corridor…

Jack stopped in his tracks when he rounded the corner and saw the young man sitting cross legged on the floor with a book in his lap and his back propped up against a wall. Just like that statement from a few days ago, the image brought back a flood of memories…

Christmas. He was sure it had been Christmas…

Why had he found Ianto sitting in a bookstore on Christmas?

Not_ on_ Christmas, he remembered, then. _Near _Christmas… Christmas shopping… Gwen… Toshiko… Owen… names without faces in his memory.

He was buying Christmas gifts… an antiquated practice… he hadn't bought Christmas gifts in over three hundred years.

But he remembered finding Ianto sitting on the floor in some bookshop, looking like a big kid with this book in his lap. Looking just like Anders was now.

_It's a lovely tie, thank you Sir… _he could almost hear those beautiful Welsh vowels.

Almost.

But he hadn't gotten his Welshman a tie, the tie was just ruse so he could surprise him later, in private. He'd gotten him that book, the one he'd been looking at that he could never have afforded on his own. Jack gave it to Ianto's niece after he died…

Without really realizing what he was doing, he reached up and touched the rings he still wore on a chain around his neck… _I will always love you. I will never forget you._

"Don't forget to empty the bins," Jack whispered aloud, in English, completely without meaning to.

He'd kept his promise to Ianto, there had been other loves in his long life, but none of them had affected him quite the way his beautiful Welshman had.

The sound of Jack's whisper in the dimly lit corridor made Kam jump… it probably hadn't helped that he was right to where the Witch had Dorothy cornered.

As soon as he realized it was the Captain he scrambled to his feet, eyes saucer-wide. "Sir! I can explain!" He bit his lower lip so hard it almost bled. He didn't belong here and he had no idea what the punishment was for being where he didn't belong.

He couldn't afford a dock in his pay, not if he wanted to get the tattoos removed… but he knew he'd be lucky if that was the worst he got. He'd heard stories of the kinds of things Captains did. Aboard his own ship, the Captain was God.

"I think I can see for myself what you were doing," the Captain closed the distance between them wearing an expression Kam couldn't read.

"I swear… I wasn't…" wasn't what? Doing anything? Just sneaking around where he didn't belong. "I didn't mean any harm, Sir, honestly."

_Lucky to have a bed at all… lucky to have the clothes on your back… lucky to have three meals a day…_ words from his past drifted through Kam's mind over the pounding of his heart in his ears… all the things he'd been told about how _lucky_ he was to be Serving in the Red House. How _grateful _he should be.

All had to do was please the clients and stay in his room where he belonged. Seen, not heard, and seen only rarely.

Jack eyed him a moment. "May I?" he asked of the book.

A frightened expression crossed the young man's already panic-stricken face, but he handed it over without question. "It's just… it's nothing… I'm sorry, Sir." His gaze fell to the textured metal floor between them.

Jack couldn't help his smile when he saw the faded cover. Read the title. "You like old books, huh?"

Kam swallowed. "I… my… I've had it a long time, Sir," he floundered. "I really don't know how old it is, Sir."

"Originally published on Earth, in the year 1900," Jack told him as he returned it. He noted look of relief that came over the young man when he had the book – clearly a treasured possession – back in his hands.

"You won't catch me up here again, Sir, I promise," he said softly, clutching the book tightly in his hands.

Jack shrugged. "No reason you shouldn't come up here."

"Sir?" he looked up at the Captain in surprise.

"There's a difference between unused and restricted," he flashed a smirk. "Although if like old books, you should come by my quarters sometime," his tone remained friendly.

The younger man's gaze left the Captain's face as he tried desperately to come up with an appropriate response. It was a blatant proposition… wasn't it? How did he get out of it without insulting the Captain? Or if he said no… he swallowed hard, remembering his first encounter with Fletcher. No wasn't an option.

This wasn't some crewman, this was the Captain. Harkness could leave him at Omega Station… or worse.

"I've got a few old books myself," Jack clarified his invitation. "I really don't bite, Mr. Anders. At least not unless you ask real nice." He didn't realize that what he'd intended as a good natured wink only made the younger more uncomfortable.

……………………………………………………………….

As Kam followed the Captain back to his cabin, he felt his mouth going dry and his palms starting to sweat. He tried to tell himself this could be a good thing. If the Captain had taken a sincere interest in him (sincere being an entirely relevant term, of course), he might be able to get away from Fletcher.

But Mr. Smeed had warned him to do his job and stay out of the Captain's way. Was this what he'd really been warning him about? Was the Captain one of those who didn't like to look at his 'indiscretions' afterwards… or was it Smeed who was intolerant of crewmen who tried to get above themselves?

_Besides, what makes me think I'm so special that he'll care who else uses me, anyway?_ Kam asked himself. Even if neither the Captain nor Mr. Smeed cared what the Captain did on his own time, the Captain wouldn't care about what Fletcher was doing to him. Harkness would take what he wanted and then send him on his way. That was just the way things worked.

Kam swallowed back the cotton in his mouth as the Captain opened his Cabin door and politely stepped aside, inviting him to go in first. It was an odd courtesy, but he complied, slipping into old habits, looking for cues as to what the client expected of him. At the very least, he owed his Captain something better than automatically going through the motions.

"Have a seat," the older man's tone remained congenial.

Polite. Kam forced a smile and chose the settee so the Captain could sit next to him, if he wanted to. He set his book down on the coffee table in front to it and took a moment to glance around.

The Captain's quarters appeared to consist of a sitting room with a bedroom beyond; the door was closed. There was another door that doubtless led to the Captain's shower.

The sitting room was… cozy, he decided was the right word. The settee was old… brown. Soft. There were two chairs to match. A couple of mis-matched tables heaped with papers and junk. And the Captain hadn't been lying about the books. Shelves lining two walls were filled with them. It must have been a mess that day they went through the magnetic field. "It looks like you were able to get things restored to some order, Sir," he observed politely.

"Hmmm…? Oh yeah," Jack smiled. "No thanks to your fine flying." His tone was ripe with sarcasm.

Kam blushed, but he was pretty sure it was a joke. The Captain's manner could shift from unforgiving to affable entirely too easily. It would be best to stay on the affable side, he decided.

"Would you like a drink?" the Captain asked. "Brandy… Scotch?"

"I… really don't drink, Sir." Servers weren't supposed to drink. Alcohol clouded the mind.

Jack set the decanter back down. "Tea?" he offered instead.

"Thank you, Sir."

Unsure whether or not that was really a yes, Jack set the kettle to 'on'. Sometimes it surprised him the things that didn't change… people still drank tea. Still used electric kettles to heat the water. He pulled a couple of mugs out of the cabinet and fished around until he found the little tin of tea. "I'm afraid I don't have too many choices," he said of the teabags.

"Whatever you're drinking is fine with me, Sir."

"The door's closed."

Kam blinked up at him. Did that mean the Captain expected… what? So far the motions he was going through were polite… was he trying to say he wanted something else? "Sir?" he hated to have to ask, but surly the Captain wouldn't object to giving him a little direction.

He turned around, his smile completely unreadable. "You don't have to end _every_ sentence in the word 'sir.'"

_Affable…_ Kam let out the breath he was barely aware that he was holding. Like in the showers, when the Captain had handed him a towel. And his quarters. Cozy. Friendly.

And suddenly those blue eyes looking down at him… he swallowed and forced a smile as he took the mug of hot water.

"Take your pick," Jack set the tin down on the coffee table.

"Thank you Si… I mean thank you," he corrected himself.

The Captain chuckled softly, but Kam was certain it wasn't an unkind laugh. He made a quick survey of the tea… orange jasmine. He almost smiled for real. He completely missed the expression on the Captain's face as he opened the small foil and plopped the white paper teabag into his mug. The aroma brought back so many happy memories…

Jack reached in and took the same for himself. It wasn't his favourite, but it reminded him so much of… he shook himself.

A couple of stupid coincidences didn't mean anything. Besides, the only other tea he had on hand was a strong black tea from Adonia. Given the choices, orange jasmine would be any sane person's first pick. "Milk and sugar?" he asked.

"I… don't want to be a bother."

"No bother. Sit tight… or feel free have a look around," he nodded towards the bookcases. He supposed leaving a crewman unsupervised in his cabin could be construed as a huge lapse in judgment. But it wouldn't take more than a few minutes to slip down to the mess for milk and sugar. And really, what could Anders possibly get into?

Kam sat for a moment, letting the scent of the steeping tea comfort him. He closed his eyes and could almost see his mother's face…

He set the mug down. It didn't appear as if the Captain believed in coasters. There were several dozen overlapping mug-rings on the table already. The man would definitely never win any awards for neatness…

He walked over to the bookshelf. After all, the books were the ruse the Captain had used to get him here. It was odd ruse. The Captain could have just ordered him, he was the Captain. He was God on his ship. But he seemed to want to make this into some sort of polite seduction.

And those eyes… Kam hugged himself thinking about those eyes… the warmth of his dream filled him…

_Don't do it,_ he told himself. In the Red House he could indulge in his own fantasies, if only for a bit, but out here everything was different. There was no protection. If he made one mistake, even a small one, the Captain could void his contract and dump him off anywhere.

But that was the price of freedom. It was the risk he had to take if he ever wanted a life that was truly his own.


	5. Chapter 5

Again, many thank you's for the amazing reviews! Likewise to the favourites/alert listings this has gotten. The reception has really been wonderful. I appreciate it tremendously.

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**Chapter Five**

………………

_Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume. _

_-- Jean de Boufflers_

………………**.**

When Jack returned from the mess with a small pitcher of milk and the sugar bowl, he found Anders standing in front of the bookshelf, a book in hand.

"I hope you don't mind," the young man gave him a smile that might be considered coy.

Jack returned it with a smile that wasn't at all coy. "Not at all," he said.

Kam put the book carefully back on the shelf, its spine lined up with the edge. He resisted the urge to straighten up the books around it. Most of them were shoved towards the back of the shelf and nothing seemed to be in any kind of order. _He will __**definitely**__ never win any awards for neatness,_ he smiled to himself, oblivious to the look the Captain was giving him.

Kam returned to the settee and sat back down, giving the Captain a quick glance. He was a difficult man to read. He looked to be in his mid to late thirties – maybe forty at the most – but when Kam looked into those blue eyes, he saw someone much older. Someone complex. Compassionate. Vindictive. Wonderful. Terrifying.

He shook himself. He fixed his tea, and watched the Captain fix his. A lot of sugar and just a drop of milk.

"Did you see anything you like?" the Captain asked. "On the shelf, I meant," he clarified quickly. He sat down on the coffee table, facing the younger man.

"You have a very nice collection," Kam smiled at him over the top of his mug. _And he's sitting on the table,_ he nearly groaned. Granted it was his table, he had every right to sit on it if he wanted to. "May I ask a question?"

"I might even answer," the Captain quipped back with a wink.

Kam managed a real smile despite the nervousness that was still plaguing the pit of his stomach. "The name of your ship…" he began, because Captains usually liked to talk about their ships. Only the question seemed to cause a cloud to come over the other man's features. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean…"

"No… it's nothing," Jack waved it aside. "I named him after somebody I used to know."

"Him?"

"Can't very wall call a Welshman a 'her', now can I?" he smirked.

"No, I suppose not," Kam sipped at his tea. "It would be rather silly, really," he added.

Jack chuckled. "What about the ship you grew up on… you said it was an F-class?"

"The _Archimedes_. Crew of about… thirty, I think. I was pretty young."

"Must not've been that young. You learned to fly her."

He shrugged. "My mother's fault," he took another swallow of the tea, relishing the memories it brought back. The way it made him feel. Because it had to be the tea making him feel so comfortable. It couldn't be the company. He was here for one reason, and one reason only.

Still, this part was nice. It was pleasant having somebody ask him questions about his life for a change, somebody who seemed to honestly be listening to his answers. (He didn't really think the Captain cared, of course, but it was nice.)

"She was a pilot, then?" Jack asked of the younger man's mother.

"One of the best, Sir. Sorry," he apologized for the 'sir'. "It's a bit of a habit."

Jack shrugged, "It's not a bad one."

They slipped into a pleasant exchange of small talk. Kam found himself talking about things he hadn't spoken of in years… his mother… his memories of the _Archimedes_… Captain Harkness had a generous laugh. An easy smile. His humour tended towards the ribald, but he seemed to not mind laughing at himself.

"Can I get you some more hot water?" Kam offered when the Captain drained the last of his tea.

"You don't have to…"

"It would be my pleasure, honestly," he smiled a truly genuine smile.

Jack returned it, handing over his mug. He watched the younger man walk across the room, admiring the view. How long had it been… _he's not even twenty,_ he told himself, although at this point it was academic. He was well over twenty five hundred years old.

Before handing the mug over, Kam poured in a drop of milk and added lots of sugar, giving it a good stir. "There you go. Guaranteed to rot your teeth."

Jack laughed, accepting the cup from his hand with a nod of thanks. He would have liked to have been able to claim that brushing his fingers up against the younger man's was purely an accident, but he tried not to indulge in self-delusion when he could help it.

"I meant what I said about borrowing a book," he reminded the younger man. "It's going to be a long six months."

Kam studied him a moment… he still hadn't gotten a solid feel for the Captain's expectations, but that had certainly _sounded_ like an innuendo. "Yes. It is," he answered simply.

Jack gave him a measured look.

He didn't notice the uncertain flicker in the Captain's blue eyes when he leaned forward then, he just leant in as well, meeting the kiss half way, savouring it. It had been _so_ long since he'd been kissed. He loved being kissed. Even though it didn't mean anything, it was such a pleasant thing to do… and as kisses went, pleasant was an understatement. The Captain's tongue plundered his mouth tenderly and savagely at the same time while strong hands cupped his face so very gently, pulling him in closer.

Kam held onto the Captain's shoulders, afraid he was going to get lost in the moment… wanting to lose himself in it forever. For just one instant he felt so warm inside.

When their lips parted many long moments later, however, the look on the Captain's face told him something was wrong. Kam froze… he couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong… and that kiss… that kiss had felt _so_ good… but the Captain looked stricken by it.

Jack swallowed hard. "You… should go. It wasn't you," he said quickly to the frightened look on the younger man's face. He knew the impact his position had on his crew, the justified fear they had of him… that kiss had been a mistake on so many levels… but oh that kiss… He would know it anywhere, even after five centuries… after five _hundred_ centuries… and that _wasn't_ possible. He was gone. Long, _long _gone into the darkness… _**dead**__. _

Jack had died and come back so many times and there was _only_ darkness. Nothingness.

"Sir… Captain Harkness… what's the matter?"

Jack leant back and took a deep breath, letting it out again slowly. "It's not you," he repeated, knowing that the words held a double meaning. _Needing_ them to have a double meaning.

He could love again. He _had _loved. He'd kept his promise. But he had never met anyone who had touched him quite as deeply as his Welshman.

Jack cleared his throat, "I think… somewhere… as I'm sure you noticed my shelves are a mess," he tried to laugh, struggling to keep his voice steady. "But I think I have the rest of the Oz series here somewhere if you're interested." He stood up. If he didn't put some distance between himself and the younger man he was going to find himself kissing him again, and it would be for all the wrong reasons.

"I… yes. Thank you," Kam stammered, his voice pulling Jack out from under the weight of the centuries. He rose awkwardly to his feet, trying to figure out what had just happened. Trying to figure out why the rejection hurt… why it seemed to be hurting both of them. "Sir… Captain… " _Jack…_ but he didn't dare use the Captain's first name.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Jack assured him again.

"Neither did you," Kam found himself saying, although it had to be one of the most brazen things he thought had ever come out of his mouth.

Jack forced a smile… or maybe it wasn't forced, because it didn't feel it, he just didn't know why he was smiling. "Good to know I've still got _some_ talent," he teased.

"Quite a bit, if you don't mind my saying so."

"I have never been one to turn down a compliment," he quipped back quickly, his eyebrows raised.

"You didn't strike me as the sort who had, Sir," Kam retorted.

They both laughed; Jack found his eyes locked onto Anders'. Light brown. His eyes were light brown. And he was barely twenty years old… "I should find you that book," the Captain was the first to break eye contact.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

………………

_"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." _

_-- Nietzsche _

………………**.**

With a strange tumult of emotions running through his veins like fire and water, Kam returned to his cabin. He slipped in quietly; Fletcher was sound asleep. He was a heavy sleeper. "Thank God," the younger man muttered under his breath. He'd managed to get through two whole days without having to service his cabin mate or his friends.

He slipped both books, his own and _The Land of Oz,_ which the Captain had lent him, into the footlocker at the end of his bunk. He couldn't get the parting look Captain Harkness had given him out of his head... the way he'd looked when they said good night, those blue eyes seemed to take in every bit of him… hold him just a moment… let him go.

Kam double checked the lock before pulling off his shirt and crawling between the thin sheets. The crew cabins were warm, owing to being so close to the engines. He wouldn't have slept in clothing if it weren't for having to share a room with someone like Fletcher. It wasn't that wearing pants stopped him, it just made Kam feel less exposed.

It took him several minutes find a comfortable position on the narrow cot; finally Kam ended up pulling his pillow tight against his chest instead of under his head.

Over and over he played the kiss back in his mind… the wonderful, terrible trill in his stomach got worse with each replay… but it felt so good. And it hurt. He knew most he would ever be to someone like Captain Harkness was something to pass the time.

But when sleep finally took hold, he dreamed of blue eyes and strong arms and for the first time he could remember, he saw the face of the man holding him. He knew his name. _Jack Harkness… _

_I will always love you… I will never forget you… _

_Even when the last star goes out, I'll be there waiting for you in the dark… I'll love you forever… _

_Jack..._

The tiny alarm under his pillow brought Kam out of the dream and back to reality. He silenced it quickly; his best chance of having the showers to himself was to get up before the rest of the crew. His only chance of avoiding Fletcher's 'morning wood' was to get out of their cabin as quickly and quietly as possible.

As a result, he was usually in the mess before anyone else, although sometimes Mr. Smeed was up early, too. When Kam walked in, he saw that Jack… _Captain Harkness_… was sitting with Smeed at Smeed's little table off to the side. He froze… felt his cheeks burning… they appeared deep in conversation, but he was sure he saw Captain Harkness glance his way, just once, his expression unreadable. Cold. Kam closed his eyes a moment and forced himself to walk over to the coffee station without looking back at him.

If the Captain was telling Mr. Smeed that he wanted to void his contract, dump him at Omega station, there was nothing Kam could do about it. In real life, there were no Dashing Heroes.

"Mr. Anders," Smeed's voice boomed across the empty room, making Kam jump. "A word, if you please."

Kam swallowed, managed to finish filling his cup without spilling hot coffee all over himself. When he turned to head towards the officers' table, he saw that Smeed was sitting alone now. The Captain wouldn't even face him… he forced himself to ignore how much that hurt and walked across the room. "Yes, Sir?" he managed to say in a neutral tone. As he hadn't been invited to sit, he remained standing.

"When we leave Omega…"

_Oh God, here it comes… _he nodded to indicate that he was listening.

"…we'll be running shifts 'round the clock. You drew the short straw, I'm afraid."

"Sir?" he blinked, not understanding.

" 'Night' shift."

Kam nodded, still not fully understanding. He understood what 'night' shift meant, even though there really wasn't any such thing as day and night aboard a ship that spent most of its time in space. He just wasn't sure what made it the 'short straw'.

Twelve hours was twelve hours. Comets, meteors and magnetic fields didn't care whether the crew clocked those hours as day or night.

"Do us a favour," Mr. Smeed continued. "No more sending the Captain rolling around his own ship," he warned in a gruff tone, although there was unmistakable mirthfulness in his eye. "Night shift's _his_ shift on the bridge."

Which explained why some people might consider it bad luck to be selected for the night shift, Kam realized. "Yes…erm… I mean, no, Sir. I'll try my best, Sir."

Smeed chuckled; it wasn't an unkind laugh. "Just keep yer eyes on the sensors. We'll be flying though a lot of unmapped territory."

"Yes, Sir. Is there anything else, Sir?"

"You're off duty today."

"Sir?"

"We dock at Omega in 'bout another hour… crew'll have twenty four hours' leave, but my suggestion is that you use it to get used to the new schedule, 'stead of getting drunk and doing whatever it is kids your age get up when you think us officers aren't watching."

Kam felt his chest tighten at the implication… multiple implications… "Yes, Sir. Thank you." Suddenly he wondered if he'd really 'drawn the short straw' of if Captain Harkness had requested him.

_But why would a man like him bother with somebody like me? _The most he would _ever_ be was something to pass the Captain's time… not that that seemed like such a bad situation any more.

As Mr. Smeed was clearly done with him, Kam gave a polite nod and excused himself before heading over to his usual table to sit down and drink his coffee. He finished it quickly, so he could be out of the mess before Fletcher appeared.

_Please let him still be part of the day crew,_ Kam prayed silently. If they were on opposite shifts, he might just survive the next six months after all…

…………………………………………………………….

"Not taking shore leave?"

Kam jumped at the sound of the Captain's voice in the empty corridor. "Sir!" he scrambled to his feet. The bemused look on the older man's face told him that he wasn't angry… he wasn't sure what he was thinking, but… _but he told me I could be here…_ "With all due respect, Sir, you're going to give me a heart attack if you keep sneaking up on me like that."

Jack chuckled, "I'll keep that in mind." He stuffed his hands into his pockets and crossed the distance between them, stopping a polite distance from the younger man. "So?"

"Sir?"

"Shore leave?"

Kam shrugged, "Mr. Smeed suggested I acclimate myself to the night shift."

"Which_ should_ put you in bed about now," Jack smirked.

The younger man found himself blushing under the scrutiny of those blue eyes.

"Relax, crewman, I really don't bite."

"Unless one asks very nicely," Kam reminded him, wondering for the hundredth time what it was about the Captain that loosened up his tongue so much. It was going to get him into trouble and he knew it.

Jack chuckled, "There is that," he his eyebrows shot up in a lascivious expression.

And then there was quiet… "Erm…" Kam began, "Was… there something you wanted, Sir?"

_Ah the ways I could answer that…_ Jack mused to himself. But the truth was he didn't know what he wanted. His feet had just brought him here as if of their own accord, although realistically he wasn't surprised to find the young crewman sitting reading the book he'd lent him, right where he'd found him yesterday. "Let me buy you a drink," he said suddenly. "I know this great little out of the way place on the Station – Bessie's..."

"I… really don't know, Sir… I mean… I appreciate the offer, but you wouldn't want anyone to think… " what? That he was trying to be the Captain's pet? He didn't dare say something like that aloud.

"You did catch the announcement that I was picking up the first couple of rounds for the whole crew, right?" Jack asked him. Two rounds at the main cantina and one meal… mostly because he didn't want them drinking on empty stomachs.

This was the last chance the crew would get to blow off steam and he knew it. He also knew that most of them had arrived with nothing but lint in their pockets, so he'd advanced the each a small percentage of their contract pay out. Enough for them to have a little fun, not so much that they could get into serious trouble.

"I wouldn't want anyone to think the wrong thing of you, Sir," Kam admitted, his eyes focused on the floor.

"And what would that be?"

He swallowed. Fletcher had caught him in the corridor after the shift split had been announced. He hadn't said anything, but his expression was enough for Kam to know he'd better watch his back. After the incident in the shower, when he'd stayed behind with the Captain… and now, being assigned to the night shift, on the bridge, directly under the Captain... Leese and Fletcher wouldn't be the only crewmen starting to think he was playing up to the Captain and Kam knew it.

"You know," Jack took a step closer, "If… if there's ever anything you want to say to me, anything at all, my door is _always_ open to you. To all of you," he added quickly. "I'm really not the ogre Mr. Smeed makes me out to be. Just don't let word get around about that. My reputation will be ruined if people start thinking I'm a nice guy."

Kam flashed him a shy smile, "Your secret's safe with me, Sir."

He didn't understand the smile he got in return, the way the Captain looked at him… but he liked it. His own smile deepened.

"Mr. Anders," Captain Harkness said then, his tone hesitant. "Yesterday… if I was out of line…"

Kam shook his head quickly. More than anything, he didn't want an apology, he didn't want to hear the Captain say he was sorry for that kiss.

"All right. If you change your mind about that drink, Station security usually knows where to find me."

Kam blinked; that was a statement that could be taken in entirely too many ways… and given his expression, the Captain apparently knew it. "Gotta love a man in a uniform, Mr. Anders," he smirked, flashing a quick wink before turning and sauntering back down the corridor.

…………………………………………………………….

Bessie's Tavern was located off a small passage way two decks up from the main arcade. Bessie's was small, with only two dozen tables, and was rarely frequented by visitors.

The lighting was comfortably dim and the décor was all faux wood and red and yellow glass lighting fixtures, giving it an almost old Earth feel. It was as close to stepping back in time as Jack was going to get unless he ran into the Doctor again. But it had been centuries since he'd seen the Time Lord… sometimes he wondered if he'd abandoned him, too… if so, he wasn't sure why.

"Jack Harkness," a familiar voice greeted him almost the instant he stepped in the door.

Jack's mood lifted immediately, "Henry Fitzroy," he pulled Henry into a warm embrace. They exchanged a closed-mouth kiss than onlookers would have mistaken for something far more intimate than either meant by it. "It's been too long," Jack's grin warmed to a smile that went all the way up to his eyes as Henry guided him over to his table.

"I'm always here, Jack. You know where to find me."

He shrugged, "Been busy."

Henry smiled up at the server who came over with their drinks… it had been five years since Jack had been by, but he tended to leave a lasting impression. "So what are you headed out looking for this time?" he asked. The only time Jack came this way was when he was heading out into the 'fringe' region.

"Just the usual, anything salable…"

Henry gave him an incredulous look. They'd known each other for far too long for him to believe that old line.

"I've got a lead on something," Jack admitted. "A friend of mine came across the log entries from a ship that was salvaged a few years back." He drank his beer, clearly not wanting to say more.

Henry didn't push the issue. "How long are you here for?"

"Giving my crew twenty four hours."

A companionable silence fell between them as Jack drank his beer and Henry didn't drink his wine.

"Something on your mind?" Henry asked at last. It wasn't what Jack was saying – or even what he wasn't saying – it was his expression.

Jack regarded him a moment before nodding.

"Why don't we go back to my place where we can talk."

……………………………………………………………….

**A/N:**

From the last chapter: Adonia is the creation of Margret Weiss, not me. It's the only thing from her universe I'm borrowing.

Henry's mother was Elizabeth Blount – Bessie for short.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **again, many thanks for the reviews / fave/alert listings this has gotten.

I also keep meaning to say a **HUGE **thank you to the 'favourite author' listings I've gotten… they really make me feel special…

I'm grateful for anyone whose reading and enjoying, whether you put me on any special lists or not… so really, thank you everybody. '-)

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

………………

_"So as through a glass and darkly, the age long strife I see,  
Where I fought in many guises, many names, but always me." _

—_General George S. Patton_

………………**.**

Henry leant back against the soft cushions of the sofa a long moment after Jack had finished speaking, regarding the other man thoughtfully. Henry's quarters were spacious… room to write. To paint. To sculpt… his new hobby of the last hundred or so years. Comfortable sofas and chairs made up individual sitting areas. He and Jack were seated in front of the window that overlooked the docking bay. From here Henry could see every ship that came and went.

"So," he began, "let me make sure I'm understanding you correctly," he leaned towards Jack, his fingers laced together, giving the impression of deeper contemplation than he really felt was necessary to understand the situation. "You like this young man, Kamden Anders, but you're reluctant to pursue a romantic liaison because he reminds you of Ianto. Ianto whom you loved… who loved you. Who made you happier than I think I've ever seen you." He raised his eyebrows questioningly.

Jack gave him an exasperated look; Henry was putting it that way to be difficult. "I don't want to do something for the wrong reasons," he explained. Again.

"And those would be…?"

"He _isn't_ Ianto, Henry. Ianto's gone. I buried him five hundred years ago and over a billion light years away."

After five hundred years, it _shouldn't_ hurt so much. It hadn't until that day on the bridge when he'd ended up with Kam in his arms. He hadn't even remembered the incident in the warehouse with that spoiled-rotten pterodactyl until he was rolling around the deck with the young pilot.

Henry nodded, but said nothing.

Jack heaved a sigh. He should have known this was what he would get; all he wanted was for Henry to say that he was right to let it sleeping dragons lay undisturbed. It had been a very long time since he had felt this way, even a little bit, about somebody. He wanted to tell himself that he was happier this way. He wanted to believe it.

Ironically – or coincidentally at least – he seemed to remember feeling much the same way about his life when Ianto came into it. He was waiting for his Doctor. He had buried Laura a hundred years earlier. He'd left Estelle because he could never tell her the truth. He and Henry had had their moment and there was no going back to it after they'd both moved on with their lives. He hadn't been looking for anybody to do more than warm his bed at night.

"I _see _him, Henry. I don't remember what he looked like, but when I look at Kam Anders I see him even though Kam has brown eyes. Blond hair. Ianto's eyes were blue. His hair was darker, he wore it short. I'm sure Kam looks nothing like him, but when I look at him..." His voice had become ragged. He wiped the moisture from his cheeks. " I keep seeing him in someone I just met but I still feel like I've lost him completely because all I can remember are his blue eyes. His stopwatch… don't ask," he said to Henry's questioning look. "I'm not sure even you want to know all the things he could do with that stopwatch."

Henry chuckled softly, easing himself closer to the grieving man. It had been a long time since he'd seen Jack this rattled by old ghosts.

"I don't remember what any of them looked like. All I have are names... random memories. Abby... I remember her driving me nuts with that music... she used to blare it through the place so loud I was sure that they could hear it all the way up in the Plass," he smiled; Henry too. Henry had liked Abby. She of course had adored him as well. "And Bobby... Bobby Chase. Wendy... Gwen, Rhys. Mickey. Mickey Mouse." _Captain Cheese Cake..._ what he wouldn't give to hear those words one more time or to hear Owen Harper complaining about something. "Toshiko," his memories of Owen would forever be intermingled with his memories of Owen. Grey. His son and his mother... "Sara... Tim," he said aloud. _Victoria Waterfield... Sarah Jane Smith. Liz Shaw. Tegan Chesterton... _"Martha Jones. Rose Tyler... I don't even remember what Rose looked like, just that she had blond hair and this fantastic smile and the first time I saw her, she was hanging from a barage balloon during the Blitz," he smiled, just a little. _Bananas are good... _

"It's been five hundred years, Jack. You can't beat yourself up for forgetting what people looked like."

"But I loved him and I don't even remember the sound of his voice any more, just that I loved it… his accent. Welsh vowels," _all two of them,_ they used to tease each other. Jack hadn't heard a Welsh accent in over two hundred years. "He had this… this dry… sarcastic wit… he could be… God, he could be such a kid at times," he managed to choke out a laugh in between the sobs.

"He was a child, by comparison."

"Kam isn't even twenty," Jack reminded him. What could they possibly have in common? What would they ever be able to talk about... ?

"You are going to find very few partners close to your own age, Jack. And I would be remiss in my duties as one of your oldest… 'living'… friends if I didn't point out that you still have a tendency to wax towards the immature from time to time."

Jack couldn't help but laugh aloud. Only Henry would find a way to put it so eloquently. "Duly noted, your Highness," he intoned sarcastically. Then, in a genuinely serious tone, "No one has ever gotten to me the way he did, Henry." _No one ever will… _

"Have you ever stopped to consider that that's because you didn't want anyone to?"

He didn't answer.

"Jack… love is… it's complex. Amazing. Painful. Humans need it as much as you need air to breathe."

"Except that if I suffocate, I still come back."

"But you do die."

Jack didn't respond to that, either.

"Look, I know you don't want to acknowledge the possibility that it might really be him, but if any two people ever loved each other enough to come back to one another – to _recognize_ each other – it's the two of you. You just have to have a little faith… "

"I've seen the other side, Henry. There's _**nothing **_there. Believe me, there's nothing there. I wish there was." _It would give me something to have faith in_…

"Maybe you don't see it because you're not meant to go there. You're not meant to have anything beyond this life any more than I am."

It was an old argument. Henry claimed to have seen proof of reincarnation, life after death, Heaven… Hell. Jack had seen Heaven and Hell with his own eyes but they weren't esoteric states… he'd seen Death. He didn't understand It, but he'd seen it and knew where It lived. "There's nothing out there. Nothing but darkness. Emptiness. Cold."

"What if you're wrong?"

"What if I _am_ wrong?" he turned the question in on itself. "What if you're right and there _is_ something out there and… and what if I'm still all wrong about Kam. What if I'm only seeing what I want to see. What _he_ wants me to see." A cyprian, a courtesan, could be anyone, anything the client wanted him to be… assuming Smeed was right. But it explained the kiss better than Henry's esoteric theories.

Kam had read him and delivered what he thought he wanted, right down to the coy smile... the only thing he hadn't done was bat his eyelashes. _What if the only reason he wants into my bed is because I'm the Captain… _the Captain of a ship had an incredible amount of power, at least on his own vessel and Jack doubted very much that Kam had bought his way out of his previous contract. He might see warming the Captain's sheets as his only way of surviving. Jack didn't hold that against him, but he would hold it against himself if he fell for it.

"A courtesan would certainly have been able to pick up on the signals you were sending and would doubtless have had no trouble fulfilling the fantasy he thought you wanted him to fulfill. If he's twenty, he must have been in Service for at least five or six years… But he can't read your mind, Jack. And even if he could," he added, before Jack launched into some other argument, "were you thinking about the things Ianto used to say before this Mr. Anders of yours said them?"

"It could be coincidence. It isn't as if… " _it isn't as if he called me Cariad…_ "It was just a few random statements. So what if he likes the same tea Ianto used to drink? What does that prove?" he wasn't sure who he was trying to convince any more.

"Didn't you used to say you didn't believe in coincidences?"

Jack turned to look out the window. He wasn't studying the ships so much as the space beyond… all those stars. All thos worlds. People… in the grand scheme of things even he was just a speck in the Universe. They all were… _dust in the wind…_ he seemed to remember the lyrics of some old song…

"Why are you so reluctant to admit that even the _possibility_ that the spark that makes us who and what we are lives on after the shell withers and dies? Science tells us that nothing is ever truly destroyed, it just changes form. Why not with the spirit as well? Many great and rational minds have embraced the philosophy of reincarnation, Jack. It's not just the esoteric 'mumbo jumbo' of mystics and holy men. Just because _you _haven't witnessed a thing personally doesn't mean it isn't possible."

There was no winning this argument with Henry. There never had been… and he didn't want to admit it, but for once, he he wanted to lose it. "What if your theory of the Universe is right and it's still not him?"

"So what?"

"What?"

"What's the worst that could happen? A few months of self-indulgent carnal pleasure before you go your separate ways because one of you snores and the other steals the blankets at night? An argument over squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle instead of at the end?"

Jack almost laughed. He and Ianto had had that argument more than once… in fact, he was pretty sure he'd had it with Estelle a time or two… maybe more…

"I'm not saying to marry him, Jack, I'm just suggesting that you approach the situation with an open mind. Even if it _isn't_ him, when was the last time you had a lover? A _serious_ lover," he amended, before the Captain started regaling him with a detailed list of his recent conquests.

Jack shrugged. "A hundred years ago, maybe."

"Don't you think you're overdue?" he paused a long moment, but Jack didn't answer. "Come with me."

"What?"

"I have something to show you."

"Why Henry Fitzroy…" Jack began; Henry rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry I didn't show this to you sooner," he said as he stood up, holding his hand out. Jack took it. "If I'd realized you didn't remember, I would have shown you before now."

"Shown me what?"

"I'm an artist, Jack. Photographs fade. Even the imaging technology in this century is going to crumble some day. But I still have that copy of the Mona Lisa… albeit a strange forgery," he gave the other man a look.

Jack chuckled, "You can thank the Doctor for that one." He followed Henry into the next room where the other man rummaged around a bit before coming to what he was looking for.

"Every few decades I re-paint the pictures of people I don't want to forget," he explained. "You can keep this if you like. I've got others." Henry left the room before Jack had finished unrolling the portrait…

* * *

……………………………………………………………………

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone  
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity  
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind.  
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea  
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind

Now Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky  
It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy.

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind  
Dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind.  
Everything is dust in the wind

-- by Kansas


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

………………

_If I go away  
What would still remain of me?  
The ghost within your eyes? The whisper in your sighs?  
You see...Believe and I'm always_ _there. _

_- Jon Oliva_

………………**.**

Choking back the tears, not wanting them to touch the paining, Jack watched the image come into view as he unrolled the canvas with shaky hands, taking in the details slowly, one at a time.

A wooden boardwalk. Trainers… Tight black jeans clinging to slender legs. A red cotton short sleeved shirt over top of a black t-shirt. Both were tucked in…even on his days off, he prided himself on a neat appearance.

A thin black belt hugged the waist Jack wrapped his arms around so many times... he could almost feel Ianto's body against him... it was that memory that had kept him sane through two thousand years underground... _oh God, I miss you so much..._

It was a casual pose with Ianto leaning against the railing, grey-blue waves in the background… Jack didn't know if he'd ever posed for Henry or if Henry had created the backdrop of an ocean front from memory. It _could _be Cardiff Bay… it could be anywhere… It amazed him that someone who hadn't seen the sun or a daylight sky with his own eyes in so many centuries could paint one so well.

And Jack couldn't help the smirk that played across his lips when he realized that one of Ianto's hands was holding that red UNIT cap. A wedding present from Martha Jones, he remembered suddenly, almost able to see her face in the dark.

Henry had said he had done other paintings of Ianto, but he had seemed to hunt for this one specifically. He'd heard a few stories about the cap.

Jack finally let his gaze fall on his Welshman's face. Ianto was looking towards the sea, the wind blowing his hair just a little. His eyes were the same colour as the shadows on the water… and that smile… Jack had completely forgotten how much he loved that smile. Most of the time Ianto looked so serious, but sometimes there was this mischief about him…

For a moment he was back there too. The morning after the Weevil incident in the park… Ianto met him on the boardwalk outside the tourist office with a cup of coffee… he probably shouldn't have accepted coffee from a stranger, but what was the worst that would happen? It would be poisoned? He'd have to retcon the kid after he saw him come back? He'd already run a background check, he knew that Jones, Ianto Jones had worked for Torchwood, London.

_There is no job…_

_So you're not going to help me with the pterodactyl, then?_

_I still love the coat…_

Jack had lost the coat years ago, of course. Like that red cap, the stopwatch… coffee cups… time ate away at everything, caused it to crumble to dust… it had even robbed him of his most precious memories, at least for a while…they came rushing back at him now, so hard and fast he felt he might fall over.

_I will love you forever, Cariad. I know you don't want to hear it, but I promise, when the last star goes out you'll find me there waiting for you in the dark. _His voice… those beautiful Welsh vowels…

_One might even say I'm getting on with my life… I've loved you for a long time, Jack…_

_I want this… I want __**you**__… _

_You might need a birth certificate… _

_Haven't you ever heard of a proper clothes hamper?_

_Honestly, Jack, would it KILL you to squeeze the toothpaste from the end? And even if it would it's not like you won't come back… _

_She's the last of her species, you're not going to make me feel guilty for spoiling her… _

_That's what I love about Torchwood… by day chasing the scum of the Universe, come midnight, you're the wedding fairies…_

_Meeting you changed my life. You gave my life meaning again. You gave me a purpose. You made me whole… _

The memories were jumbled, all out of sequence, but he could hear that voice again… he could see his face… that smile…his laugh...

_Keep it up and you will find a Weevil in your wardrobe..._

Good thing it's your wardrobe too...

_I love the life you've shown me, as completely mad as it can get around here... I love going to bed next to you and waking up next to you… or at least your pillow…_

_You don't have to remember every detail, but every once in a while just think of me. Remember that Ianto Jones existed and the he loved you more than anything… _

_Promise me you'll love again. Promise me, Jack! Don't close yourself off in grief. I love you too much to think about you not loving somebody else, not being happy… _

"I promise," he barely recognized the sound of is own voice.

………………………………………………………..

Henry looked up from his desk when Jack finally emerged from the other room, his eyes red-rimmed, the painting rolled back up, held gingerly in his hands. "I have a frame…"

Jack shook his head. "I don't need to hang it up. I just need to be able to look at it once in a while, so I don't forget again." _So I won't ever forget._

The artist nodded; he found a metal canister in his workspace that the painting would fit into and handed it over.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Jack opened his mouth and then closed it again. He got the words to come out on the second try. "How will I know…? Not saying I even believe it's possible… but if is… how will I know if…?" he couldn't quite finish the sentence.

"You may never figure it out. But is it really that important? Jack, your life is too long for you not to allow yourself every possible chance at love… real love."

"I have…"

Henry shook his head. "I know you. You have only loved that way once," he nodded at the canister, now safely housing the painting he'd done almost a century ago of Ianto Jones. He'd used its predecessors as guides as even his own memory of Earth had faded over the years. "You deserve to love that way again… if it's him… if it isn't him… all that matters is being open to the possibility of loving… of being loved, just as deeply as you can."

…………………………………………………………………

Kam rolled down the sleeves of his sweater so that they covered not only his wrists and the leather bracelets, but his hands as well, all the way down to his fingertips. The shirt, like the rest of his clothing, was second, third, or maybe even fourth-hand. It was faded olive green - not his best colour. It was threadbare in spots and patched. Of coures he never wore _this_ sweater on the bridge. This was his comfortable sweater, something he put on when he was alone… or when he wanted to be alone.

But alone wasn't what he wanted to be right now, it was just that this was the only shirt he had with sleeves long enough to cover his wrists.

He'd done his best to look presentable otherwise, at least. He owned one vest. Some sort of animal hide, but he would have hesitated to call it leather. It fit him well enough, though. The lacing up the front might even be considered a little sexy.

Most importantly, it made the shirt – which hung almost to his knees – look a little less awkward on his body.

He tried to tell himself it didn't matter what he looked like, what he wore. No one on Omega Station was likely to care. But it wasn't the opinions of anyone on Omega Station he cared about. After the Captain had left him, he hadn't been able to get back into the book. He'd tried, but his mind kept wandering back to those blue eyes. That kiss… what he wouldn't give for a chance at another kiss… he knew he didn't look like somebody anybody would want to kiss in sweater that was three sizes too big.

He told himself he was being stupid. The Captain's invitation to have a drink with him was just him being polite… _but why would someone like him be polite to someone like me? I'm nobody._

The most he would ever be to Jack Harkness was something to pass the time, a bed warmer, and becoming the Captain's pet would kill his chances at any kind of real position… but it was just a drink and he didn't even drink. He would have a cup of tea or coffee, maybe. Some sort of juice. Water.

If anyone asked, he could say the Captain was briefing him on… on something. The night shift.

How untoward could it possibly seem?

Of course he knew the answer to that.

His hands began sweating profusely the instant he stepped out of the relative safety of the _Bonny Welshman_ and onto the landing deck.

It took Kam almost an hour to find Bessie's; when the Captain had said it was out of the way, he hadn't been kidding.

Taking a deep breath he stepped inside, telling himself he had every right to be here.

He surveyed the crowd, his eyes adjusting to the dim lighting… but he didn't see the familiar dark hair and blue shirt. He didn't hear the Captain's laugh booming over the conversation.

"Can I getcha somethin', Luv?" a server asked.

"I… erm…" he found himself fidgeting with the bracelets under his sleeves. "I'm looking for a man…"

"Aren't we all?" she teased good naturedly.

His cheeks grew flush. "No… I mean… my Captain came in here a while ago… that is… the Captain of the ship I'm contracted to," he floundered. "He's… about this tall… "

She waved him off before he got any further. "We don't get many 'tourists'. You mean Captain Harkness, am I right?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Is he here?" he tried not to sound too hopeful.

"Sorry, Love. He took off with Henry ages ago." Her smile suggested that she might not have minded taking off with Henry as well.

"Henry?" asked Kam.

"Henry Fitzroy… this is his place."

"Oh. Yes. Of course. I… I'm sorry to have bothered you." He turned and left as quickly as he could, his cheeks on fire with embarrassment.

Henry Fitzroy. Whoever he was, he wasn't a nobody.

_What was I really expecting was going to happen anyway? _Kam asked himself. Just because the Jack… Captain Harkness… had shown him a little kindness... all it meant was that he was a good man.

_And the last thing a good man would want is something like me hanging around._ He might use him to warm his bed, it might even be pleasant… _oh God, that kiss_… nobody had ever kissed him like that before…

"Well look what we have here."

Kam froze in his tracks at the sound of Fletcher's voice; a knot tightened in his gut like a fist closing.

He'd managed to wander back to one of the larger corridors but was still well off the main arcade. It looked like Fletcher, Leese, and two other crewmen had just stumbled out of the tavern behind them.

The corridor wasn't deserted, but in Kam's experience people in places like this tended to mind their own business.

"Come out to play, little whore?" his cabin mate inquired, his tone full of menace. Leese and the other two snickered at Kam's discomfort. "Oh, I'm sorry," Fletcher drawled. Even from ten feet away, Kam could smell the whisky on his breath. "Would you prefer I didn't say that word too loud? Tell you what, you can come a little closer and ask me _real _nice to keep my voice down..."

………………………………………………………………….

After checking the upper decks and then Kam's cabin, Jack did a quick sweep of the ship… he was the only crew member aboard. "Guess he decided to blow off a little steam like the rest of them after all," he sighed. Oh well, having brought back dinner for two would at least guarantee that he wouldn't have to eat in the mess for a couple of days.


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you again, everybody, SO much! I really appreciate how much wonderful positive feedback this has gotten (and the occasional chocolate cake! ;-)

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

………………

"_The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams."_

_-- Elizabeth Gilbert_

……………….

Jack took his own copy of _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_ up to the observation deck so he could watch the crew come stumbling back aboard his ship. It was the best way to assure that all were present and accounted for when he took off. By his estimation, he had at least a couple of hours to kill before anyone actually showed – except for Smeed, who was more likely buying equipment and supplies than off getting laid or pissed or both.

He was just settling into the story – and remembering how once upon a time the being Dorothy's friend had a not so secret meaning – when the proximity alarm alerted him to someone's approach. Jack couldn't help the smile that spread across his face when he saw it was Kam.

He had hoped the younger man would be back before the rest of the crew; he'd even held off eating his dinner.

The smile faded only a moment after it appeared when he realized his young crewman was limping badly, favouring one side, his hands clutching at his midsection.

Jack ran to the young man's quarters, intending to intercept him, only to find him not there. He found him a few minutes later in the showers.

Kam jumped when the door opened… his eyes were wide with fear, even after he recognized the Captain. The last thing he wanted was to be seen in his current condition, to have the older man ask questions… not that Captain Harkness should care. No one cared. _Disposable…_

Fletcher was right, he was just something to be used and abused. _Little fuck toy_… that Fletcher's latest insult. The words burned in Kam's mind, reminding him that he had no right to ever hope for anything better. The only place he would ever find a man with blue eyes and strong loving arms was in his dreams and at the moment even dreams seemed light years beyond his reach.

Jack stood a moment taking in the sight of the younger man, unable to speak as his gut tightened into a hard knot. There was fresh – and not so fresh – bruising all along his stomach and ribcage and a latticework of angry red welts on his back. Blood washed down the drain at the young man's feet.

Kam turned his face back into the water. At the very least, he didn't want his Captain to see him crying like a little baby.

Jack abandoned the notion of trying to speak and walked over to the younger man, heedless of the fact that he was fully dressed. Owing to the 'beauty' of the technological age, all it took was a tap of a button on his wrist strap to cut the shower and force the other man to turn and face him again. His eyes were red-rimmed, bloodshot.

"It's not as bad as it looks, Sir, really," Kam found himself saying, although why he expected the Captain to care, he wasn't sure. He was probably just here to take his turn…

"What happened?"

Kam bit his lower lip so hard it started to bleed. "Nothing."

"Who did this to you?" Jack demanded in an angry tone. He reached out and wiped the blood away from the younger man's lip.

Kam was startled by the softness of the Captain's fingertips. He felt that trill in his stomach again, the one he'd felt before, thinking about Jack… Captain Harkness… he turned his face away from his Captain's blue eyes.

"Tell me who did this," Jack repeated.

"I… no one… it's nothing," hot tears stung at the younger man's eyes as he silently begged the Captain to go away, leave him alone. He shivered as much from fear and shame as from the chill in the air.

Jack yanked a clean towel off the rack so hard the entire pile hit the wet floor. Kam scrambled to pick them up...

"_Leave it,"_ he snapped; he realized that the younger man was shaking and he wasn't helping. He took a breath and let it out. "Come here," he said in a softer tone, holding his hand out. Kam didn't move, he just sat there, rooted to the spot, staring up at him. "Please," Jack edged a little closer.

_My door is always open_… that's what the Captain had said… and those eyes… but in real life there were no Dashing Heroes, Kam reminded himself. No matter how much he wanted there to be… "Please, Sir, it's nothing I can't handle."

Jack knelt down and wrapped the towel around the younger man's shoulders. "Come on," he kept his tone carefully under control. "Let's at least get you down to the infirmary and make sure you're ok," he coaxed.

Jack gathered the reluctant young man into his arms, pulling him gently to his feet. "Come on… shhhh…." He wrapped his arms around his shaking body when he lost his battle with the tears. "I am so sorry I didn't do something to stop this sooner," he whispered. "I should _never_ have let it get this far."

"It's nothing…" Kam tried to protest, but those arms… so warm… holding him while he cried…making him feel safe. Secure. Just like in the dream… he let his head rest against the Captain's shoulder… _if this is a dream, please don't ever let me wake up. Let me stay like this forever…_ Suddenly he was lifted off his feet… the Captain cradled him against his body and he was too startled and too tired to fight.

"We're going to the infirmary so I can make sure there's no internal damage," Jack said to the questioning, almost frightened look Kam gave him. "Then you're going to tell me what happened." He carried the young man out of the showers.

"It's nothing. Really, it's nothing."

Jack remembered another stubborn man he used to know… but this was more than just not general obstinace. "You can trust me," he brushed his lips against the younger man's forehead. "I know… believe me I know… what it's like to feel you can't trust anybody. But sometimes you have to." _Have a little faith…_ Henry's parting words… "Kam… Sorry," he flashed an apologetic grin to the startled expression that crossed the younger man's face. "Mr. Ander," he corrected himself.

"No… I mean… you can call me anything you want." He wondered if that could have come out any worse…

"Don't tempt me," Jack teased him.

Kam laughed; it hurt, physically, but it felt good in other ways. He closed his eyes and tried to let himself just enjoy the moment, enjoy having somebody seem to care… it was such a remarkable feeling.

The infirmary was small. One exam table, two beds, a bank of equipment. Jack didn't even have a medic under contract, although he supposed he should… he'd heard enough complaints about his first aid skills from Smeed over the years.

Jack set him down gently on the exam table and pulled a blanket off the shelf; he wrapped it around Kam's shoulders in case the cold was more than just having had his hot shower interrupted. He was aware of the younger man's brown eyes watching him carefully as he began the scan. "This won't take long," he offered up a tight lipped smile.

Kam said nothing.

Jack went to work… it really didn't take long. "The good news is that there's no internal bleeding," he said when he finished. "But there is a lot of deep bruising and your ribs are pretty badly banged up. Two hairline fractures," he showed him the image on the screen. "I'd like you to get a couple of days' rest…"

Sudden panic overtook the younger man's features. "No, please, I'll be fine… really…" Rest meant time in his cabin. Time alone with Fletcher. But he didn't dare say that aloud, he'd have to explain himself. Fletcher would make him regret it if he told the Captain. "I can't afford…" he tried to come up with an excuse the other man would understand.

Jack cut him off, mid-argument. "I'm not going to dock your pay. You just need a little rest. It's no big deal. I'd do the same for any one of my crew," he added.

He swallowed, trying to sound less afraid than he felt. "I can fly. Really. Please, Sir…"

"The answer's no. I want you to spend a couple of days in bed. I mean it. No wandering the decks. I _will_ make that an order if I have to, Crewman."

"Please… just let me do my job. I promise… I'll be fine."

Jack's eyes narrowed. "Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

Kam couldn't look into those blue eyes. He wanted to trust them so much… he wanted to trust the man behind them… but it wasn't just Fletcher. It was Leese. It was the other two. There were others besides them. He knew what the crew thought of him. Even if the Captain had some kind of interest in him, he couldn't choose a bed-warmer over four or five or six of his crew.

"No, Sir," he said softly. "There's nothing I want to say. Just… thank you. For everything." It would be better, Kam realized, if he just left now. Fletcher would kill him one way or the other. If he told the Captain about Fletcher, someone else would do it. There was no way he would survive six months, his only chance was to… to go.

He had a few more hours before the _Bonny Welshman_ was scheduled to depart. He could slip off the ship unnoticed. The Captain had been quite clear, anyone not on board would be left behind.

But why did the thought of leaving those blue eyes hurt _**so**_ much…? _A note,_ Kam though. _I can at least leave him a note, tuck it into the book…_ he wouldn't leave with the Captain's book. He might be a lot of things, but he wasn't a thief. He didn't know what he would say, but he felt like he needed to say something, even if it was just good-bye.

_Not that he'll even care… _

Jack settled his hands on his hips. "Fine. Until further notice, I'm assigning you to new quarters. Mine."

Kam's jaw slacked open.

"I want you to get some rest. Apparently that isn't going to happen in your cabin. Under normal circumstances, it wouldn't happen in mine either," he raised his eyebrows suggestively. "But I'll be sleeping on the couch, just to make sure we both behave ourselves."

"Sir…I…"

"That _is_ an order, Mr. Anders. Am making myself perfectly clear?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Good." He helped the young crewman man down off the table. "By the way, I hope you're hungry. I brought you some dinner back from the Station."

………………………………………………………….

Jack settled him down onto the settee, the blanket still wrapped snuggly around his shoulders. He put the kettle on and put the take away onto a couple of hot-plates to warm up. "It shouldn't take long."

"Sir…"

"Door's closed," Jack reminded him.

Kam just looked up at him, no longer sure what he should call the man or how he should feel. "Why are you doing this?"

"A good captain takes care of his crew."

The younger man's gaze fell… he knew that the Captain's actions went above and beyond those of a Captain taking care of his crew… but if that's all_ he_ thought it was…

Suddenly Captain Harkness was in front of him, sitting on the coffee table. "Just get better," he said in a soft, sincere tone. "Then…" he shrugged instead of finishing his thought.

Kam forced himself to look at the man sitting in front of him. He wasn't some spectre out of a dream. He was real. He was human. He had amazing blue eyes and strong arms… _and he uses the coffee table as a chair. _He wasn't some Dashing Hero. But he did seem like a Good Man.

"You kissed me yesterday," Kam's voice was so soft, Jack almost missed the statement.

"Yes I did."

"I liked it," he admitted.

"Me too."

Kam looked away from his gaze. A Good Man deserved to know what kind of man he'd kissed… "There's something… something I have to show you."

Jack's chuckle startled him. "Twice in one day…" he raised his eyebrows. "What is it?" he asked. He could see the younger man's discomfort and regretted his laugh.

Kam slipped the leather bracelets off his wrists, exposing the tattoos. "You see, Sir, they have every right to do what they're doing… I… I am what I am." _I'm not a Good Man… _

"This," Jack picked up the younger man's hands, his fingers tracing the lines around his wrists, "doesn't give _anybody_ the right to hurt you."

Houses marked their 'property' so that they couldn't easily run away… not that many of them ever did. Most were taken into Service at an early age, taught that were only good for one thing. Batter away at a person's self esteem long enough… Jack let out a heavy sigh, pressing his lips to the young man's wrists. Most kids were contracted into Service by their parents, the very people who were supposed to love and protect them from the evils in the universe.

"Did you buy your way out?" he asked.

Kam swallowed, but the lump in his throat refused to budge. "Please… I'll do anything… whatever you want… however you want it. It would be my pleasure to Serve you…"

Jack felt his jaw clench. "The _only_ thing I want is to make whoever's hurting you stop. And I will," he promised.

A soft chime alerted him that the food had warmed back up to serving temperature. Jack let go of the younger man's hands and brought the plates over to the coffee table, but he didn't sit down. "Go ahead and start without me."

"Where…?"

Jack flashed another one of his famous smirks. "As much as I love having a beautiful young man sitting naked in my quarters, I think you might be a little more comfortable with some clothes on. And I can guarantee you I'll catch less flack from Smeed if you're dressed when he gets back," he shot the younger man a wink. In a more serious tone he told Kam to help himself to whatever he needed. "I won't be long," he promised. "Trust me."

………………………………………………………….………..

Jack did a quick search of the cabin, but it looked as if everything Kam owned was stowed in the footlocker.

He was just about to leave when the door opened; it was Torren Fletcher.

"Erm…" the kid took a step back when he saw the Captain. "Sir… is… there a problem, Sir?" he looked nervous.

Jack forced an easy smile, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "No problem. Mr. Anders has been assigned to new quarters."

"I… hope everything's all right, Sir."

The Captain shrugged. "Mr. Anders is fine. Of course if I find out that it was one of my crew who was responsible for cracking his ribs, I'll put them off my ship. It might take a couple of days…"

"So we'll be staying on Omega, then?"

Jack allowed his tone to betray just a small portion of the anger he felt. "I will put the guilty party out the nearest air lock whether there's an atmosphere outside this ship or not."

Fletcher paled.

Jack wished him a good night and hefted the footlocker up in both hands. He didn't expect to see Fletcher again…


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

………………

"_The heart has reasons that reason does not understand."_

……………….

_Trust me… _

_Trust…_

Kam wasn't sure he'd ever trusted anybody, not really. Not in a long time… _not since I was a little kid and didn't know any better,_ he thought bitterly.

He was sure there had been a time he'd trusted people…

He stared down at his wrists, at the tattoos, lines and numbers, clearly stating to whom he belonged. Suddenly he pulled his arms around him, so he wouldn't have to look at them any more, another sob suppressed. _Why did I show him?_ He wondered.

There was probably a small bounty on him. Nothing big enough to attract the attention of anyone dangerous, just enough to make turning him in worth someone average person's while.

_Trust… _

_Trust me…_

What reason did he have to trust Jack Harkness?

Because he had blue eyes? Lots of men had blue eyes.

_I know… believe me I know… what it's like to feel you can't trust anybody... trust me._

He could almost still feel Jack's lips on his wrists… the soft kisses he'd placed there. Tender kisses… he shuddered again.

"I trust you," the words slipped out into the air. "I trust you because I feel like I've known you my whole life even though that makes no sense at all." _I trust you even though I have no reason to._

He pulled the blanket tighter around him self so he was wrapped up tight and wondered, again, if he was trusting Jack Harkness, the _real_ Jack Harkness, or the man in his dreams. The spectre.

The Dashing Hero who would never use a coffee table as a chair, because Dashing Heroes didn't do that. Dashing Heroes were perfect.

_I will always love you. I will never forget you._

The voice in his dream had never promised to be perfect, he'd only promised to love him.

Kam hugged his arms around his battered body.

Even if he did trust Jack Harkness, there was Mr. Smeed. Fletcher. Leese. Others. Jack could never choose a bed-warmer over half his crew. No Captain could.

No one would. No one could.

But if he could just get through the next six months… then what? What was he really going to do if stayed, if he made it through the next six months? His contract would be up and then…then there was nothing but uncertainty.

_How did I end up here? _He wondered. A few days ago everything had seemed so clear and now he had no idea what he was doing.

He tried picking at the food the Captain had brought. For him. That is what he'd said, wasn't it? He brought _him_ back some food… why had he bothered? It didn't matter, he couldn't eat anyway. It smelled grand and the few bites he took were amazing, but his stomach was a mess of quivering knots and confusion. He was sure that if he ate any more, he'd only throw it back up again.

He curled up under the blanket and closed his eyes. He hadn't intended to fall asleep, but the Captain's settee was soft… it smelled like him… cinnamon…musk… a scent so familiar he barely questioned how he knew it so well. Resting there with his eyes closed, it was hard to be afraid even though the thing that had always frightened him most in life was uncertainty and the moment, he didn't even know what to expect out of the next few hours, let alone the next six months and beyond…

……………………………………………………………..

Jack grinned when he saw Smeed coming up a service hatch. "Just the man I wanted to see," he beamed brightly.

Smeed looked at him, and the trunk he was carrying. "Why do I have the feeling I am not going to like whatever it is you're looking so glib about?"

Jack gave him a merry wink, "Because you worry too much," his tone was indeed glib, although he tried to make his next question sound more serious. "How would you like a couple more days on Omega to figure what's really wrong with the sensors?"

"And we'll be stayin' a few days more why now?" He asked because he knew it had nothing to do with the sensors.

"I have the feeling you're going to find a few empty bunks in the morning. We might need to fill them before heading out."

"Why?"

"You're the one who's always telling me I need to hire more of a crew…"

Smeed glowered, his thick arms crossed over his barrell chest. "Why are there going to be empty bunks, Jackie?" his tone matched his expression.

"Breaking their contracts probably sounds better than getting thrown out of an airlock."

Smeed was quiet a long, thoughtful moment. "This have anything to do with you and Mr. Anders?" he asked at length.

"Yup."

"Will his bunk be empty, too?"

"You can find him in mine."

"Have you forgotten what happened the last time…?"

"This is different."

He shot an incredulous look at the Captain.

"Trust me. This is different."

Maybe it was his Welshman, maybe it wasn't, Jack didn't know. All he knew was that there was something about Kam Anders pulled at him in a way he hadn't been pulled at in a long time. When he he thought about him, he felt himself smile. It wasn't just his lips that smiled, his chest surged with it. He had no idea what he and a twenty year old were ever going to find to talk about, but there was only one way to find out.

If it was him, he owed it to both of them… and if it wasn't he still owed it to both of them, even if it didn't last. His life was too long and Kam's too short not to indulge in a little happiness once in a while. Henry was right about him being overdue.

And Mr. Smeed was still giving him a dark look.

"You worry too much," Jack repeated and continued on his way.

………………………………………………………………….

_Wind whipped around him in the dark… a clear, star filled sky… a man standing next to him, taking off his coat… putting it around his shoulders… it was so warm… it smelled like him… cinnamon… musk… heat… having the coat around his shoulders made him feel so very, very safe… there had been so much hurt in his life, but standing there in the dark, he finally felt warm again._

_You gave my life meaning… you made me whole._

_Jack… _

_You gave me a reason to live. _

_I will love you forever. When the last star goes out, you'll find me waiting for you in the dark… _

_Jack._

……………………………………………………………….

Jack softened his footsteps when he realized Kam was asleep.

Seeing him there, curled in on himself, wrapped up tight like he was afraid to let anybody in… he looked so very, _very_ young. So incredibly vulnerable.

Jack felt the familiar surge in his chest. He set the trunk down lightly on the floor and used the controller on his wrist strap to secure the lock on his door. Not even Smeed had the codes to override that. "You're safe," he whispered. _But is it really you…? After all these years did you find a way to come back to me…? _Could anybody really love someone that much?

He took a deep breath and let it out. He made himself really look at the man sleeping on his settee.

He _wasn't_ Ianto. He didn't have his nose or his hair or his voice. He was shorter. His accent was different. His eyes were brown. His hair was blond.

But Jack had seen that half hidden scowl when he parked his butt on the coffee table and he would bet anything Kam squeezed the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube… although why no one had come up with a better method of dispensing toothpaste in five hundred years was beyond him.

He knelt down in front of the settee and rested his chin on the cushion, studying the sleeping man… boy. Kam was really just a boy and not only by comparison to his twenty five hundred plus years. He was a child whose childhood had been stripped away a long time ago… just like someone else he used to know…

He wondered what would have happened to Ianto if Wendy hadn't taken him in, taken care of him.

_If I'm going to… to ever… _he couldn't say it, not even in his head. He couldn't admit that he might really be starting to fall in love with this young man he'd only just met. _But if I do, it's going to be for you, for who __**you**__ are,_ Jack promised them both silently. Kam deserved that much. He deserved someone who would love him for who he was… _Not because you remind me of somebody else…_ he touched the rings again.

_To live… to love… to remember… to love again…_ Wendy's message. Her hope. Her belief.

_No one should live their whole life competing with a ghost,_ Jack told himself. He had to appreciate Kam for who he was, not who he might have been five hundred years ago.

Brown eyes flickered open.

Jack smiled at him. "Sorry if I woke you," he said in a soft tone, brushing the bangs away from the young man's forehead.

"No… not really," Kam's smile was shy. Unsure.

Jack didn't imagine that there had been a whole lot of certainty in the young man's life. "I got your trunk," he said.

"Thank you," his tone was soft; he didn't meet the Captain's gaze. "I'm ok," he said when Jack moved to help him sit up, although obviously moving hurt.

After helping him up, Jack settled himself back on the floor, his back propped up against the coffee table. At least this way, he wouldn't get another one of those surreptitious glowers he was sure the younger man didn't want him to realize he was giving him. "I've decided to stay on Omega for a few more days," he kept his tone even.

Kam swallowed.

Jack could guess at the sorts of things he was thinking… he'd called the authorities, he was turning him in…

"Can… can I ask why?" he queried, still not meeting the Captain's gaze.

He shrugged and handed the younger man one of the plates from the coffee table. The food was still reasonably warm. "I need to find a few new crewmen. Replacements."

Kam almost dropped the plate. "Sir?"

"You don't really I didn't figure out that Fletcher was the one…" but he stopped when he realized that the younger man looked like he was about to crumble. "Hey…" Jack caught the plate before it fell. "I told you. _No one_ has the right to hurt you, Kam. No one has the right to hurt anybody, not like that."

"It wasn't just him," the younger man's voice shook with fear.

"I'm sure Mr. Fletcher will tell all his friends what I told him I would do to whoever was responsible."

Kam was still shaky, but he managed to take the plate back. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to eat, so he just let it sit on his lap. "Captain... I… you… you can't…" _you can't chose me over them..._

"My ship. My rules. I can promise you that I would do the same thing for _**any**__one_ under my command."

Kam swallowed, but the lump in his throat remained. He didn't really want to be just anyone… he didn't know what he wanted to be any more.

Jack lifted the plate out of the younger man's lap and set it back on the table and moved himself up to the cushion next to him. He was aware of the uncertainty in the other's soft brown eyes.

He brushed his hand against the younger man's cheek, coaxing him to look at him. Jack drew him gently closer, until his lips touched the young man's mouth. He kept the kiss light, but when Kam's tongue played at his lips, he didn't resist. He let the younger man take control of the kiss. It was just as sweet as he remembered from yesterday… from five long centuries ago.

"You need to eat," Jack told him when their lips parted, many, many long moments later; Kam was shaking. "And you need to get some sleep," he told him gently.

"I need to know where I stand. I need to know… "

"Shhhh," Jack leant forwards and gave his lips another soft kiss. "You are a member of my crew, Mr. Anders. I will expect no less than your best on the bridge." He waited for Kam to nod before continuing. "What you do afterhours is your business."

"Begging your pardon, Sir, but that's not entirely true."

Jack kissed him again, long and hard. "You might have a point, there, Crewman," he winked. Kam's smile made his chest surge. "But why don't we discuss… crew requests… after you've had some sleep?"

"Are you always like this?"

Jack chuckled, "You're just going to have to stick around and find out."

Kam looked at him... the implication... he cleared his throat. "There… there really is no reason for you to give up your bed," he flushed a deep shade of pink when he realized how much that sounded like an invitation… not that he would mind, but… "I mean… I'm shorter than you. I should take the settee."

He shook his head. "My ship, my rules. You're taking the bed."

The younger man started to bite his lip, but stopped himself. "Jack…?" he ventured, not even sure what was making him so bold… the look that crossed his Captain's face told him that it hadn't been a mistake. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry, my dear, spoiled readers ;-) that this took longer than usual. Wednesday is my full day… school and "work." Hope this one was worth waiting for!**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

………………

"_For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."_

_-- Judy Garland_

……………….

The sound of Jack's laugh brought Kam out of his dreamless sleep. He smiled without having to open his eyes. He knew where he was. He was surrounded by his Captain's scent, his soft sheets. The bed was only a little bigger than his own, but there were two pillows. One was under his head, the other was held tight against his chest. He buried his nose into it, taking in even more of the older man's cinnamon-musk scent. He could almost feel those arms around him, those lips pressed against his…

Then he heard the laugh of a second man coming from the other room… rich… warm. Velvet. Definitely not Mr. Smeed. In fact, he was certain he didn't recognize the other man's voice at all. He couldn't make out what they were saying when the voices lapsed back into conversation.

Kam swallowed back the lump in throat.

Of course who the Captain entertained was his own business. He knew the sudden ache in his chest was stupid. He was nothing to the Captain… _fuck toy…_ but the Captain had put him into his bed and told him to sleep. He'd pulled the sheets up around him and kissed his forehead… _he made me feel like I mattered._

Another peal of laughter rang out from the Captain's sitting room. Kam shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come.

Finally there was quiet in the next room. He wasn't even sure if the Captain was still there or if he'd gone. He wasn't sure which possibility hurt more.

If Jack was here, he had to face the possibility that he had completely misread the Captain to the point of making a fool out of himself… after all, he hadn't joined Kam in bed. He hadn't done more than kiss him…_Even if he had, what would it prove? _

But if he wasn't there it would mean he'd gone off with whoever he'd been entertaining. Which was certainly his right, Kam reminded himself.

There was only one way to find out.

It wasn't until he opened the door that he heard the soft, strange music and saw the Captain sitting there with his feet – grimy boots still on them – on the coffee table. The older man seemed deeply engrossed in whatever he was reading on the electronic pad he had propped on his knees.

Kam cleared his throat to draw the Captain's attention away from the pad; it was almost amusing how quickly he pulled his feet off the table, looking honestly guilty for having been caught with them there in the first place. It was his table, he could do anything he wanted.

But then he smiled. Kam had one of his shirts draped on over his shoulders.

"I… hope you don't mind, Sir," he fidgeted with one of the buttons on the Captain's shirt; none of them were done up, he'd just wanted something to throw on over his shoulders. He couldn't seem to force himself to meet the older man's gaze.

Jack shook his head, "Not at all," he answered. The sight brought back a flurry of half-forgotten memories…

_A handsome, naked, slender young man curled up against him on the narrow bed…_

"_You should stay over, it's late."_

"_And show up for work in the same suit I wore yesterday?" _That look… Jack could still see it in the back of his mind. His Welshman, the pinnacle of decorum.

"_You can borrow one of my shirts, you know. It might even look good on you." _Jack was quite the opposite of the pinnacle of decorum.

"_I would swim in your shirt, Jack. It would look even more obvious than wearing the same clothing two days in a row. At least __**that**__ we could blame on a late night Weevil hunt." _

He remembered laughing. The others, he was sure in retrospect, were well aware that there weren't nearly as many late night 'Weevil retrievals' as he and Ianto seemed to want them to believe there were.

But even after they moved in together, he was sure he'd never seen Ianto in any of his clothes.

He remembered Estelle wearing his shirt on several occasions. She would slip it on and go get them a cup of tea… he remembered loving the way she 'swam' in it. Even Laura had worn a shirt of his a couple of times, although he seemed to remember that had more to do with her wanting something 'old and ratty' to paint in than anything else…

He returned his mind to the present and to the attractive blond crewman standing there in his unbuttoned shirt, looking very unsure of himself. "It looks good on you," Jack told him as he set down the pad, giving the younger man an enigmatic smile he couldn't hope to understand.

There was something about his lover wearing his shirt…

Jack crossed the distance between them, unable to help the way the sight of the younger man made him feel. He did up a couple of the buttons using it as an excuse to pull Kam into another sweet kiss. He surrendered without hesitation, his body hugging in close, his arms tight around Jack's waist almost like he was afraid to let go.

"Feeling any better?" the Captain asked when they finally pulled away from each other.

"I think so," his expression was difficult to read; he managed a smile, though. "What is this?"

"Glen Miller."

"I've never heard anything like it."

Jack chuckled. "It's way before your time. Do you dance, Mr. Anders?"

"Sir?"

He held out his hands.

Kam hesitated, looking like he didn't know what to do. "I…"

"Just follow my lead," Jack winked, taking the young crewman into his arms and easing them into the gentle rhythm of Miller's _Moonlight Serenade_. "I used to be pretty good at this, you know," he added. _Your dance card is full even by fifty-first century standards…_ the Doctor.

He missed him… _but someday I'm sure I'll see you again, _Jack thought in the absent Time Lord's direction. "You're pretty good," he observed as Kam fell into step with him.

"I… I've never done anything like this."

He grinned, "The real test is coming up in a minute."

"Sir?"

"The next piece is faster. But I promise to take it easy on, seeing it's your first time," he shot a lascivious little smirk that made the younger man blush. "Maybe we ought to keep it slow," he shifted his hands so he could tap at the controls of his wrist strap to select a different set of songs.

"What is that?"

"Hmmm…" he shrugged, "Fifty first century technology at it's best."

"Sir?"

"It's nothing," he lied. Time travel wasn't something to be flippant about in this century. Mainstream science was only just beginning to understand the principals that would some day allow time travel to be, if not common place, certainly broadly accepted. Like all new sciences, however, there was a great deal of controversy over whether or not it was ethical or whether or not Man had finally crossed the line – that line that got pushed a little further back with each new discover – and was trying to become too much like God.

But those were the debates for scholars, scientists and theologians, and Jack was none of those things. He was just a man out of his own time trying to get by in an era that would have made even Charles Dickens cringe.

He tapped another button on the wrist strap to dim the lights before easing his arm snugly back around the young man's waist. He held Kam's other hand close to his chest and smiled when the other man laid his head against his shoulder. In moments like this he could forget what was happening in the rest of the galaxy and just… be.

"This is nice," Kam said softly.

The smiled deepened; Jack closed his eyes a moment and took in the younger man's scent. Of course at the moment, he smelled a bit like him, wearing his shirt, having just been sleeping in his bed. But his hair smelled like… like antibacterial shampoo. He bit back his grimace and opened up his eyes to find Kam looking up at him. He gave a questioning look, but the younger man just shook his head.

"You didn't eat much, are you hungry?" Jack asked as the Glen Miller faded and the Andrew Sisters took his place.

"I guess… but… this is really nice," he gave a hopeful look.

Jack took the hint, changing his step to match the music.

"What are they saying?" Kam asked as he settled into the new rhythm. It was a little faster, but with Jack holding him close it was easy.

"Bei mir bist du schon – to me you are beautiful," Jack raised his eyebrows suggestively, even though his tone had been sincere.

Kam felt his cheeks burning again, and wondered what it was about this man that made him blush at every word. All he had to do was walk into a room and Kam felt like he was walking on air… _but I know I'll never really be anything to him…_ he told himself. _Just something to pass the time… _

Only he wasn't sure he could make himself believe it, not when he looked into those blue eyes again. _I wonder if you realize that you make me feel like I'm the centre of the Universe…_ he thought in Jack's direction. It was such a good feeling. He could almost forget that he woke up to the sound of Jack and some other man laughing…

The next song was another slow one. He laid his head against his Captain's shoulder again, taking in that amazing scent of his, letting it be his whole world. His eyes slipped shut and he let himself get lost in the moment, in the feeling of being held and the sound of Jack's heartbeat, and in the music. In the way their bodies moved together.

Nothing had ever felt so natural. So perfect. So _right._

………………………………………………………………….

"Let it go, Fletch," Alexi Reives urged the disgruntled man.

Six of them sat on the in the shadow of the _Bonny Welshman_, which was still on Omega Station, a good six hours after she – or _he_ as Harkness insisted his ship be called – was scheduled to depart.

"It's not worth it," Ruegar Hannix agreed, getting up to leave.

"That little _klute _cost you your contract!" Fletcher hissed angrily at the two men… at the other two as well, who seemed undecided about what he was suggesting. "All I'm proposing is a little payback. Just doing what any upstanding citizen would do. Think about it. If we let this go, he'll get those tats removed… get a real job. A job one of us or some other decent man might've gotten! Just think about something like that cheating a good man out of a job, just 'cause he's pretty to look at. Next he'll settle in somewhere, in some decent neighbourhood. You've got a son, right?" he looked to Hannix. "Would you want something like _that_ moving into the same building as your kid? We have a responsibility here, boys. If Harkness has been swayed by that little _klute's _cock…"

Hannix and Reivers walked away.

Jaff Ekoneous, who had been involved in the incident that had apparently set the Captain off, was right behind him, leaving only Maecus Leese, and Sion O'Marra, who had also been involved in the incident aboard the Station.

"What _exactly_ do you have in mind?" O'Marra queried…

………………………………………………………………

Jack finally convinced Kam to take a shower and get dressed, they were going to get something to eat.

When the young crewman emerged from his shower, the lights were back to full and the music as gone.

Mr. Smeed was sitting with the Captain.

Smeed shot a single dark look up at the younger man before returning to the discussion the two men had been engaged in.

In the instant that their eyes met, however, Kam felt his insides burning up with shame. He could see the words Smeed was thinking, the distain etched on his face. Cyprian. Courtesan. _Fuck toy…_ that's all Smeed saw when he looked at him now. And Smeed had been his only hope, especially if word got out that he'd shared the Captain's bed. No one would believe he'd just slept there…

"Relax already," Jack was saying to his first officer; he glanced briefly up at Kam, flashing a tight little smile that Kam managed to somehow return.

"_Six_, Jackie," Smeed went on, seeming to prefer to ignore the younger man after his initial glower. "We lost six crewmen," he sounded angry.

Kam felt his gut knot up. He grabbed his clothes and scurried into the bedroom. The discussion they were having wasn't for the likes of him. The Captain's business had nothing to do with him.

He was a bed warmer.

_A bed warmer who cost the Captain six men…_ how could he possibly be worth that? They couldn't leave Omega with a crew of only six or seven… a dozen was cutting it short as it was, but less than that…?

And what were the remaining crew saying, he wondered. He pressed his ear to the bedroom door…

"They were six men that I didn't want," Jack's tone was dark, and loud enough to carry into the bedroom.

"Jackie, I realize you're infatuated and I'll grant he's easy on the eyes. But I'm asking ya t'remember the _last _time you did this. And while you're at it, do not pretend for one second that the ones left are saints and angels. They ain't. No one we hire is."

"I'm not looking for saints and angels. Just a decent crew."

"Then maybe it's time you considered hiring a _real_ crew instead of these beggars, scavengers and bottom feeders you always end up with."

Kam swallowed… was that all he really was…? A beggar? A scavenger...?

"One job, one crew," Jack's tone made it clear that there was no room for argument or negotiation. "My ship, my rules," he added just as firmly.

The grizzled, older looking man let out a soft whistle between the gap in his teeth. "And what about Mr. Anders, Jackie," he asked in a low tone, unaware that the young crewmen was standing at the bedroom door, straining to hear every word. "What are you going to do with him in six months when his contract is up and his reputation – such as it was to begin with – is ruined beyond repair? Don't you give me that look, Harkness, you know how word spreads, even in a galaxy this big. You need to ask yourself what he's supposed to do when you get tired of playing knight in shining armour.

"You're a good man. One of the best I've ever known, but you have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to bed partners and that kid is in a tough enough spot as it is without you adding to it."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

………………

"_Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over."_

……………….

_Infatuated… _hot tears burned in Kam's eyes… _remember the __**last**__ time you did this…_ a clear implication that there had been a last time, although exactly why Kam thought he might be special was beyond him. Everybody knew Captain Harkness had a reputation. He knew he was just something to help the Captain pass the time. A bed warmer. He shouldn't care. It was what he was used to.

_No, it's better than what I'm used to,_ Kam told himself. Jack talked to him. _Listened_ to him. Danced with him. He'd tucked him into bed and told him to get better… he'd held him close. No one had ever done that before. No one had even acted like they cared.

He had memories made hazy by the years of his mother tucking him in, telling him she loved him. Holding him close. He could almost remember what she smelled like… what she looked like. If he tried, he could remember not being scared all the time. He wanted to feel that way again. Here. _With you… Jack. _His Captain.

He closed his eyes tight against crushing sensation in his chest.There were no Dashing Heroes in real life.

_Ask yourself what he's supposed to do when you get tired of playing knight in shining armour?_ Mr. Smeed had asked. _You have the attention span of a gnat when it comes to bed partners…_

Kam didn't know what a gnat was, but was betting that its attention span was short. That would fit with the Captain's reputation, anyway.

He slid into his pants… a clean shirt…

_I will love you forever,_ said the voice, a voice he was sure sounded like just like Jack's.

That was just a dream. The reality was that because of him, Jack was short six crewmen. The remaining crew were sure to know why. _And I'm going to have to face that. Face them. _He swallowed hard, trying to make the lump in his throat go down.

Trying not to cry.

_Just enjoy the moment,_ he told himself. Enjoy this little bit of kindness… take it for what it is…

But then what?

………………………………………………………

"This is different," Jack repeated his previous argument to his first officer, keeping his voice low.

Smeed gave him the same dubious look he'd given earlier, too.

"I don't know how to explain it, James," _not without sounding completely insane, anyhow_, "but there's something… different about this. About him. Even if you're right and this is just some passing infatuation," he decided to go for a more logical argument. "When have you ever known me to turn my back on someone?"

"It's not that easy this time. I checked. There's a nice little sum on his head…"

Jack's frown darkened.

"I'm not suggesting… you know me better, Jackie! I'm just trying t'say that you have enough trouble in your life without getting involved a fight with a Red House over some kid you don't even know."

"He's more than some kid," Jack hoped his tone conveyed how much more.

"I know how you feel about the Empire…"

He shook his head. "That's not it. This is… it's personal. Besides, I've already asked Henry to discreetly pay Kam's contract off for me."

"That's… Jackie, you can't buy off the contract on _every_ kid whose parents sold them to some House. I know you hate those people… "

"He's not _just_ some kid," Jack repeated, although clearly Smeed didn't believe him. _Hell, I'm not even sure I believe myself,_ he admitted silently. "You're just going to have to trust me on this one."

"You know this kid from somewhere or something?"

"No."

Smeed gave him another dark, dubious look.

"No where that would make any sense," Jack admitted. "I'm asking you to trust me. If it blows up in my face you can tell me you told me so."

The other man was quite a long moment before asking Jack if he was going to tell Kam about his contract being paid off.

"When I think he's ready to hear it."

"Be careful, Jackie. For both your sakes."

…………………………………………………………………..

Jack took a deep breath and let it out again before tapping on the bedroom door to ask Kam if he was ready. He'd seen how much Smeed's presence had rattled the young man and he had been in the bedroom for far longer than it took to get dressed.

The bedroom door cracked open. Jack smiled. "You look good."

Kam just shrugged. He wasn't wearing anything the Captain hadn't seen him in before. "Thank you," he said anyway, swallowing back the cotton in his mouth.

He took a step closer to the older man, everything he'd heard Mr. Smeed say still playing through his head. He was what he was and that meant he was only useful for one thing. If he could do that one thing good enough, maybe the Captain would let him stay. He knew his hands were shaky, but he reached out and pushed them lightly between the older man's legs.

"Kam…"

"I just want to show you," he tried to look up, but he couldn't make himself meet those blue eyes, he was too afraid he would find disappointment there. _I'm a good bed warmer,_ he thought at the Captain. _I can keep your interest._

Jack captured his hands and held them, gently. "You don't have to… do… anything. You have two cracked ribs… you were raped," saying the word aloud felt like pouring salt in a fresh wound, but he didn't know how else to make Kam understand why he wasn't going to accept anything more than a few kisses right now. "You need to let your body heal. Your mind," he brushed his lips against younger man's forehead. _You need to let your heart heal._

"I… you can't rape a Service Provider, Jack," Kam told him simply, trying not to be afraid of using his first name. The permission to do so hadn't been explicate, but it felt right. Everything about being with the older man felt right.

The matter-of-factness of the statement made the knot in Jack's gut tighten into a hard, cold ball. "Unless you initiated it… unless you were there willingly…unless you _wanted_ it..." he tried to supress his growing anger.

"My body is meant to be used. That's why they took me to the Houses in the first place."

"No. No… that's not… it's not what it's supposed to be like. Your body is yours and who you give it to is up to you. Nobody should have the right to just take what they want."

Kam bit his lower lip, but not hard this time. He eased his hands away from Jack's and touched him again, a gentle rubbing motion that elicited an immediate response. "If that's what you want… I would be more than happy to give you my body, Jack. My ribs might be cracked, but my mouth isn't damaged at all," he added, looking up at the older man through his eyelashes, a coy smile playing across his lips.

He took Kam firmly him by the shoulders and held him at arm's length, ignoring the frightened, pained look on the younger man's face. "_Stop it_. Stop trying to be who you think I want you to be," as much as he wanted to, he couldn't keep the anger out of his tone.

"I…"

"I don't want the Red House act, Kam. I want you."

The younger man's breath hitched in his throat.

"I'm not angry at you," he eased up on his grip and slid his hands down the younger man's arms until he came to his hands. He held them, letting their fingers intertwine. He leant I and coaxed a gentle kiss out of the other. "For right now, that's the only thing I want from you… and _only_ if you want to."

"I want to," Kam told him in a tone he prayed the Captain would believe. He leant in again, following his words up with another kiss… what if Mr. Smeed was wrong? What if Jack Harkness really was his man with the blue eyes…?

_What makes me think I could possibly be anything to him? _The voice of doubt nagged at the back of his mind. He was nobody… he was nothing.

But when the Captain wrapped his arms around him, he_ felt_ special. He felt like he was the only person in the whole Universe. It felt _so_ good. So _**real.**_

"Come on, let's go get some breakfast," Jack said when their lips parted. His smile seemed so sincere… Mr. Smeed had known him a long time, Kam was sure, but maybe he was wrong…

Only there really were no such things as Dashing Heroes in real life.

……………………………………………………………………….

Self-consciousness washed over the young man like a wave of nausea as they were seated at a little table near the rear of a quiet little bistro. He'd never been in a real restaurant, not like this. Not a place with a hostess who smiled at them (or at least at Jack, whom she greeted by name) and tables with tablecloths and fresh flowers in little vases. The chairs were padded and none of them patched or falling apart. The servers looked like they were only interested in serving food, not Serving the customers.

"Coffee, gentlemen?" the server queried with a polite smile.

"Please," Jack grinned at her. "Kam…?"

"I… erm…" he looked up, uncertain. He couldn't afford to spend the advance Jack had given the crew.

"Coffee for him too," the Captain told the girl, flashing a warm smile.

He tried to swallow back some of his nervousness as he glanced over the menu. There was very little print, but meals were all clearly pictured. And _very_ cleraly priced.

"Have whatever you want," Jack told him.

"I…" he hesitated. He couldn't afford any of this, he was going to need every bit of his pay to get the tattoos removed. If he was lucky, he would have just enough to scrape by on afterwards.

"I invited you, remember?" the Captain's tone remained friendly, his smile warm. "This is my treat."

"I really… " he didn't know what to say. When Jack had suggested breakfast, he'd expected he main cantina, something cheap. Easy. He blushed. "Why… why did you bring me here?"

"This place serves the best breakfast on the Station," the other man shrugged. He unrolled his silverware and placed the linen napkin in his lap.

Kam mimicked the actions as best as he could. "No… I mean… why are you… why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Being so nice to me."

"Because I like you."

The coffee arrived.

Kam watched Jack fix his coffee, not knowing what to say. "It's a wonder you have teeth left," he murmured without quite meaning to. The Captain took his coffee the same way he took his tea.

Jack smiled. He was sure Ianto had never nagged him about his teeth. He wanted to appreciate Kam for who he was not who he might have been five hundred years ago. He wanted to see him for who he was, here, now.

"Did… did you really mean what you said?" the younger man asked then, his tone uncertain. Even though he had the bracelets on, Kam was sure everyone knew what they were hiding. Cyprians weren't meant to be polite company… they weren't meant to be taken out… they were just… _I want you… _had Jack really said that? Had he meant it? Did he really like him?

"What I said?" the Captain asked.

"Back on the ship," he bit his lip again. He looked up when he felt Jack's fingers brushing his lip very, very gently. His expression was difficult to read.

"I don't make a habit of lying," Jack told him. Which wasn't strictly true. If anyone asked, he would say he was thirty five, born on an outlying colony – which technically _was_ the truth, it was just a colony that had yet to be settled.

The younger man studied him a long moment. "I… I've never been in a place like this before," he admitted. "Or on a date." Because that was what this was… it had to be. The Captain's soft smile seemed to confirm that yes, he considered it a date, too. "I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do"

"You're supposed to enjoy yourself. Order something, whatever you want. Eat. Talk to me."

"Do people really do this all the time?"

Jack nodded, sipping his coffee.

Kam forced himself to meet the other man's gaze. Those blue eyes… "Do you?" he asked. _Because you make me feel so special, but if I'm just a bed warmer… if I'm just a bed warmer, I'll take it because even bed warmers can be special, at least a little bit._

"I see my reputation precedes me," Jack couldn't help the smirk that played across his lips.

"I suppose it's really none of my business."

"It's your business if you want it to be."

Kam swallowed. "What… what does that mean?"

"It means I like you. It means I want to get to know you. I want to be your friend."

"Just friends?"

Jack chuckled and coaxed him into another long sensual kisses over the table. "Even in my book, 'just friends' don't kiss like that, Crewman."

Kam found himself smiling too, "I guess not, Captain."

The older man chuckled again, kissed him again…

When the server came back to see if they were ready to order, Jack very carefully held his expression in check when Kam ordered the crepes with pineapple and whipped cream.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:**

I couldn't believe what a hard time I had finding a decent quote about promises! It's a sad state that most quotes about oaths and promises are about the broken ones and how only fools and losers make promises… sorry this one is on the short side (comparatively.)

**Thank you again for the awesome reviews!!**

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

………………

"_Love is a promise… once given never forgotten…."_

_John Lennon_

……………….

"I swear, it was _this_ long," Jack held his hands as far apart as they would go, nearly hitting one of the waitresses as she passed by the table. Clearly she was trying not to eavesdrop (although her blush gave her away.) "And I mean, I'm good, but even _**I**_ didn't know what to do with that!" he flashed an apologetic look up at the girl… although his apologetic looks could be taken in other ways, if one was so inclined. Maybe it was the dimples…

Kam laughed so hard his sides hurt. He felt a twinge of sympathy for the staff, though, Jack wasn't exactly a soft spoken man. Half the restaurant could hear him.

The younger man could almost picture the Captain's predicament, too, although he had no idea what a Centarian was or what it looked like, other than the obvious.

"Oh, it gets better," Jack advised him. "He had _six_ of them!"

"_Six?"_

"And he knew what to do with each and every one of them, too," he finished off his story a lascivious smirk that made his companion (and customers at several other tables) blush.

"No wonder people remember you," Kam muttered, glancing around. It amazed him that Jack didn't seem the least bit embarrassed.

"And here I thought it was my dazzling blue eyes," the Captain teased him back. He didn't understand the expression that crossed the younger man's face… "You ok?"

"I… I'm more ok than I've been in a long time, Jack," he said tentatively.

"I'm glad," the older man's smile was so sincere.

It made Kam feel like maybe he really mattered, just a little bit, just to one person. _The only person I want to matter to…_ a man with dazzling blue eyes and an incredible laugh. A man with strong arms who didn't seem to care what he'd been. _A man who sits on the same coffee table he rests his mucky boots on,_ Kam reminded himself.

Jack Harkness wasn't a Dashing Hero in some trashy romance novel. He was real. He was human… and that made him even better than some mythic character. It also meant he was fallible and Kam was all too familiar with human foibles. "Can… can I ask you something?" he nibbled at his lip.

"Anything you want."

"I know it's none of my business…"

"I told you. If you want my life to be your business…" he shrugged, wondering if he was moving too fast. _I just don't want to waste another two years…_ he remembered all the time he'd wasted with Ianto. Human life was too short… his life was too long… but Kam was so vulnerable. He had to be careful if he didn't want to end up being one more person taking advantage of him.

There were more ways to rape a person than just physically, and emotional rape, psychological rape… it didn't leave scars, but was twice as brutal as anything that had already been done to Kam's body.

The younger man's cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink under the scrutiny of Jack's gaze. "It's just… there isn't someone out there waiting for you… you know… a wife… a husband…?" he couldn't meet the other man's eyes. It was foolish to think he had any kind of chance at anything more than what was being presented… whatever that was.

He wasn't even sure what made him think the Captain was the sort of man who would have a partner. He had a reputation and his own stories seemed to confirm that he really would sleep with anything… _but there's so much more to you. _Kam snuck a look at the man sitting across from him. There was so much dept in those blue eyes, so much more than he thought other people saw.

"There hasn't been anybody like that in my life in a long time," Jack answered honestly. He pulled the chain out from under his shirt, fighting not to be sucked under by crashing waves of memory. "I will always love him," he told the younger man, because he deserved to know the truth. "And I'll never forget him." He missed the look that crossed Kam's face. "But he's been gone a very, _very_ long time."

"He… he must've been… special…"

"He was. He was… everything. But he's been gone a very long time," he repeated, meeting the younger man's gaze. "Before he left, he made me promise to get on with my life after he was gone," he felt a soft smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

"When… when you say gone…?" he was afraid to ask, but he had to know.

"He died," Jack confirmed.

"I'm sorry."

The Captain shook his head, "We had a good life together. He made me happy. I drove him mad," he managed a grin. The truth was that they drove each other a bit mad at times, but Ianto had had the patience of a saint. Jack didn't really know what he'd ever done to deserve the younger man.

Kam seemed to manage a smile of his own, "I can't imagine it," he droned_. "You_ driving somebody mad."

Jack laughed. In that moment Kam had sounded so much like his Welshman… "He really should have known what he was getting into," he began, but he was sure there was some rule about not talking about one's ex's while on a date… in fact, he had the sudden memory of Ianto's sister scolding him for breaking that rule. Repeatedly. So instead of lapsing into another story, he just smiled and tucked the rings back under his shirt. "I buried him a long time ago on a planet a long way from here," he drained the last of his coffee.

"You still wear those, though."

"I promised him I would always remember that Ianto Jones existed. That he loved me. I keep my promises. I'll always love him. I'll never forget him."

Kam bit his lip… Jack reached out and brushed his fingers gently against his lips. It made the younger man smile. His smile deepened when the Captain smiled, too.

_**I will always love you…**_

_I will always love him…_

_**I will never forget you…**_

_I'll never forget him. Ianto Jones existed… he loved me… _

Of course it was the kind of promise anyone might make to a dying lover… a partner… _but he's kept his word,_ Kam realized. However long it had been, Jack had kept his word… yet it didn't feel as if that meant… he swallowed, not wanting to finish the thought. He knew better than to hope for too much… he was just a bed warmer… but when he looked into those blue eyes…

"Ready to head back?" Jack's voice cut through his thoughts.

Kam nodded even though he wasn't ready to leave. "Thank you. For breakfast."

The older man shrugged, getting to his feet. "It was nothing…"

"It was everything. I… I really enjoyed… being with you... like this," he said awkwardly, trying to remember what people in romance novels said after a date. He only hoped he didn't come off sounding like an idiot.

But Jack smiled, "I had a good time, too."

………………………………………………………………………

"Maybe we should wait until he's alone," Leese whispered when they spotted Harkness and the cyprian coming out of the little bistro.

Fletcher gave him scornful look, tapping the long metal bar against the other man's legs as is to emphasize that they had the clear advantage. "It's three of us to two of them..._** if**_ you want to count the little _klute_," which clearly he didn't.

O'Marra gave a derisive laugh. Two holes and a stem, that's all the cyprian was; everybody knew it. If Harkness wanted it all to himself that would have been one thing, but to put good men off his ship over a few bruises and cracked ribs? It wasn't as if he'd staked his claim – if he had, the crew would've steered clear of the Captain's property. But Harkness never said the cyp was his. He had no right to break their contracts over them doing what came natural to a man. It wasn't like it was _their_ fault… cyprians were enticers, seductive by nature, meant to be used.

Everything in the Universe had a place and a cyprian's place was on its back or on its knees... it wasn't intended to be taken out in public as if it was a decent human being.

They waited until Harkness and Anders had rounded a corner onto a quieter corridor to make their move.

……………………………………………………………..

The first blow can hard and fast, knocking the wind out of Jack's lungs and sending him into darkness before his head cracked against the floor… the last thing he heard was Kam screaming his name.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

………………

_Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be._

……………….

Through tear clouded eyes, Kam watched him fall, saw the blood… he'd never seen so much blood… a slick wet pool of it gathered around Jack's head… he wasn't moving… _Jack…_ _please… oh God no… please no…__** please**__… _he sobbed out the man's name, but he didn't respond.

"Shit, Fletch," Leese swore as the gush of red seeped from the gash in Harkness' head. Even O'Marra seemed shaken savageness of Fletcher's attack. They both knew the man had a temper on him, but they hadn't expected this. "I think you killed him," Leese said at last. When he said it, Anders stopped struggling and just… wept.

"Harbouring a fugitive's a capitol offence in some systems," Fletcher glared at the kid who was the real source of his ire. He grasped Anders by the chin and squeezed tight enough to leave a bruise. "So's bein' one. But you're worth way more alive than dead…_ way_ more," the malevolent glint in his eye suggested he had more than collecting a reward in mind.

Kam didn't care. He knew he should, but looking at Jack lying there nothing else in the world mattered… he didn't even feel the bruises Fletcher was leaving on his chin.

He watched O'Marra go over to Jack… kneel down. "Fuck," he looked up at Fletcher. "He's not breathing. We'd better get outa here."

Kam didn't see the genuine fear in O'Marra's eye when he exchanged a glance with Leese. He didn't see anything as cold blackness washed over him… he wasn't losing consciousness. He was wide awake. He just couldn't _feel _anything.

_I will love you forever… _he closed his eyes and let them take him. Nothing mattered any more…

……………………………………………………………..

No matter how Jack died, the first breath was always came as scorching fire invading his lungs. His whole body blazed with it for an eternity… an instant. His eyes flew open and the light hurt… _Kam…_ the sound of his young crewman screaming his name in the dark… the blood in his veins froze at the memory.

He saw Henry. Then Smeed. They were crouched next to him looking unhappy. But they weren't who he needed to see…

"Kam…" he pulled himself into a sitting position with Henry's help, looking around, knowing he wasn't really going to see him, but praying… He'd been laying in a pool of cold blood… his blood. Enough of it that it looked like he might have bled to death. When he touched the back of his head, however, there was no sign of injury, just cold sticky blood matting in his hair. Memories shifted through the haze… he remembered being hit from behind.

"Fletcher… Leese… O'Marra…" Cold fear gripped Jack's chest as he remembered the faces of the men who had attacked him. The men who had Kam. "They'll take him off the Station," he realized. Once they hit open space, he might never be able to track them… if it wasn't too late already. "I have to find him."

There was no telling what Fletcher would do when he discovered that Kam's contract had been paid off. The Houses, as unscrupulous as they were, wouldn't pay a bounty on a contract that had already been settled. If nothing else, they were in the business of making money and they'd made a good sum of it when Kam's contract was paid off.

"Station Security is already on it, Jack," Henry assured him as he helped him get to his feet.

Jack swallowed. He wasn't sure that was good enough.

He checked his wrist strap. Years ago he'd programmed it to monitor his vital signs, so he would know how long he'd been dead… a quick glance at it now told him that he'd been gone almost ten minutes. It felt like forever… "The docking bay…"

"The docks have been shut down," said Henry. "No one's going anywhere. Security has checked with every ship that left before we found you. They're still here. I promise. We'll find him."

……………………………………………………………….

"What do you mean he doesn't _have _a contract?" Fletcher was shouting at the person on the other end of the transmission, but Kam hardly heard him. He was surrounded in the Nothing, wrapped up in it, but even that wasn't enough to make the hurt go away. He curled in on himself in the corner… he didn't know where he was. He didn't care. Nothing mattered.

_I'll love you forever… when the last star goes out, I'll be there waiting for you in the dark… you gave my life meaning. You made me whole._

There was a long silence. Then more yelling… Fletcher and O'Marra… Leese was quiet. Leese was always quiet.

Then O'Marra was gone and it was just Fletcher, Lesse and him.

Kam closed his eyes.

_I keep my promises too, Jack,_ he thought at his Captain. _And even if it was only a dream, I meant every word I ever said to you._

Rough hands grabbed him and shoved him into position… he barely felt it.

Rape, Jack had called it. _Only you can't rape somebody like me… _he murmured at them how it was his pleasure to Serve…

Eventually someone threw a blanket over him. He didn't move. He prayed for the stars to go out.

……………………………………………………………………….

Kam woke to the sound of his name… a hand on his shoulder. He didn't know the voice… but that didn't matter.

"Yes, Sir," he murmured, moving onto his hands and knees, his back to the man because he didn't expect the man wanted to see his face.

His whole body ached but it didn't matter. It didn't matter that he was bruised, battered. Torn. Two holes. A stem. One purpose in life and not even the Houses to protect him now.

But some day the stars would go out and he would find those blue eyes again... some day…

The hands bundled him up in the blanket and lifted him off the floor… the feeling was so familiar that he looked up, hope surging in his chest… but there were no blue eyes. The man's ivory skinned face was framed with thick auburn hair. His eyes were dark brown. "Do I know you?"

Henry gave half a smile, "No… but you might have written an essay about me once a very long time ago. Sleep, Mr. Anders," he said with enough force to make the weakened man succumb to slumber. Chances were it was what his body wanted anyway.

Jack caught up with him as he crawled out of the service hatch with the young man in his arms.

"He's all right," he said quickly, before the Captain could ask. "I told him to sleep," he assured the other. Kam had been through enough, he didn't need to see Jack standing there covered in blood a few short hours after he'd seen him bludgeoned to death.

"Fletcher… the other two…?" Jack asked.

Henry shook his head. "There was only one man down there with him. Dark skin. He didn't know where to find the others. He's dead," he added. "Station Security will pick up the other two, Jack. It's over." He glanced at the young man bundled up in his arms. "He's all that matters now."

"All right." Jack agreed and turned to follow him.

Henry shook his head. "Go back to your ship. Take a shower," he advised. "Put on some clean clothes. I'll make sure someone looks at his injuries. I'll keep him safe."

……………………………………………………………………..

When Jack emerged from his shower, clean and wearing fresh clothes, he found the Smeed still there. Waiting for him. His first officer had followed him back to the ship in silence, a sure sign that something was on his mind.

(The crew had given Jack a wide berth when the came back, no one wanting to know whose blood he was covered in.)

The hot water had done nothing to make him feel better. He should have been paying more attention. He should have kept Kam on the ship where he could protect him.

He should have expected Fletcher to pull something like this.

_I never should have let Fletcher walk off my ship alive… _

Smeed was still staring at him.

Jack poured two glasses of scotch and handed one over to the other man. "Whatever it is, just say it already." He knew what it was, however.

"He saw you die, Jackie."

He sat down heavily on the sofa. "I know that." He had a rule…

"You always said if any o' the crew see you die…"

"I _know."_

"If any o' them sees you die," he continued, perching himself on the edge of the coffee table. "You quietly slip off and I finish the job, pay them with a nice little bonus and then me an' you meet up later. Nobody ever knows 'bout you. _Nobody,_ Jackie."

"I _**know**_."

Smeed was talking about Reia… Reia Gullivan. Ten… fifteen years ago now, Jack reckoned. _The last time I got involved with a member of my crew... _Rule number one: don't get involved.

He broke rule number one within two weeks of signing Reia onto his ship. She was bright and funny… She made him feel good about himself. She knew who she was and she wasn't looking for anything but an honest job at a fair pay.

He gave her an extended contract, _breaking rule number two…_ Jack thought. One job. One crew. Then move on.

He and Reia were on a routine salvage job on some old hulk of a ship in a degrading orbit around a gas giant. There was nothing special about the ship or the planet or the solar system. Nothing alien or high tech, just salable junk for a change. But even on a routine salvage things sometimes went wrong.

Her air tanks malfunctioned… she would have died if he hadn't forced her to take his…

He never saw her again.

Humans were suspicious of anything alien and even though Jack wasn't alien, what would Reia have thought if she saw him alive again after she'd watched him suffocate, saving her life. Would she ever have looked at him the same? Could she have trusted him? Would she have believed his story about being born human, dying, coming back to life and never being able to die again?

_Would she have hated me when she grew old and I didn't…?_

"It's not just yourself you're protecting," Smeed's voice cut through his thoughts. "It's for his good, too and you know it. He saw you die… he doesn't need t' see you come back to life. Not in the state his mind's in after everything that's happened to him."

Jack downed his scotch without meeting the other man's gaze. "What if I don't want to let go this time? What if this time it's different?" _What if some part of him already knows?_

"Pretending for just a minute that this isn't just some lusty infatuation on your part and that he sees you as something more than his only chance at freedom… if you _really_ care about this kid, you'll let him go, Jackie.

"I'll pay out his contract, tell him it's what you woulda wanted. He can get those damned tattoos removed. You had his contract with the House paid off. I'll write him a Letter so fine he'll find work in no time. He'll be a free man. He can go anywhere, do anything he wants. I'll make sure to slip in a little bonus," he added. "Enough for him to get by on for a bit until he finds a decent, honest job. He can have a life, Jackie. He can meet somebody to grow old with, maybe even have a family."

_The one thing that I can never give him… _


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: _Ok, you've got to love that Dr. Seuss said something like the quote at the start of this one... _**

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Thank you again for your continued reading and support of this piece! I was so nervous about posting it... the response has been overwhelming.

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**Chapter Fifteen**

………………

_Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened._

_Dr. Seuss._

……………….

Jack knew that given enough time, Fletcher would come back to where Henry had found Kam. It was a long wait, but he didn't need to sleep and it was worth sitting there in the dark to see the look on Fletcher's face when he saw him still alive…

……………………………………………………………………

"You should try to eat something," Henry coaxed gently. He knew he could force the younger man, but he'd been through so much already... _you don't need somebody forcing themselves onto the only thing you have left. _Free will.

He gave a tight smile, but the young man turned away.

Kam had recognized his voice… Jack's friend… the man he'd been entertaining the other morning, the one with the velvet laugh. The man who found him. Who brought him here. Who was taking care of him.

"Why don't you get some sleep," Henry suggested at last. "If you need anything, I'll be in the next room."

"Thank you," his voice was a ghost of a whisper. He slid down into the silk sheets, pulling the pillow tight against his chest. It smelled like the man… expensive cologne. Henry Fitzroy had good taste… expensive taste.

He seemed nice.

Kam wasn't sure what he was going to expect in return for taking care of him like this.

Henry dimmed the lights and left him to rest. He contemplated contacting Jack's ship again… but how many times could he call? Jack knew where Kam was.

It was several hours later that the light tap came at his door. There was only one person Henry knew who still knocked on doors.

Sure enough, it was Jack.

"Where the Hell have you been?" He made no attempt to hide his anger, crossing his arms over his chest and standing more than a polite distance from the other man.

Jack didn't answer. "How is he?" he asked instead.

"He won't eat. He hasn't come out of the bedroom. It's been over forty eight hours, Jack. What's going on?"

"I found Fletcher. I needed another shower."

"Do you feel better?"

Jack was surprised by derisiveness of Henry's tone; he wouldn't have expected it. "No. But he'll never hurt anyone ever again." He met Henry's gaze for the first time since his arrival. "That does make me feel better."

The other merely nodded, though whether it was approval or simply understanding, Jack didn't know. He wasn't sure he cared.

"Station Security arrested the other one," Henry told him. "They're charging him with assault and rape. He'll probably be transferred to one of the penal colonies."

It was Jack's turn to nod. He moved further into the living room without sitting down. Henry followed. "Have you told Kam about me?" his tone betrayed his uncertainty.

"It wasn't my place."

He took a breath and let it out again, trying to put what he wanted to say into words, trying to ignore how much what he wanted hurt.

Henry didn't rush him. Finally, Jack asked if he could make Kam forget his being here tonight.

"You want him to forget you're alive?"

"I want him to forget the last two days."

He eased his arms away from his chest, his expression softening. "I can't take make him forget something that traumatic, Jack, I'm sorry. It's… etched… onto his psyche."

The Captain nodded, suspecting that if he could have, Henry would have already taken away what they'd done to him.

"He's a strong young man, Jack. He can recover from this."

Jack turned to gaze out the large window overlooking the docking bay a long moment. All those stars… all those planets… people… all that space and yet somehow they'd found each other… Kam had found him.

Kam… Ianto… he didn't know what he believed any more.

For one brief amazing moment it had felt like being with him again and it felt so good… he had different eyes… different hair… but he was so much like Ianto that he could almost believe…

_But what do I really remember about someone I buried five hundred years ago?_ Jack asked himself again. He'd had a lot of time to think, sitting there waiting for Fletcher in the dark.

Maybe when he looked at Kam, he was seeing things that weren't there, hearing things he wanted to hear, making connections out of coincidences.

He _knew _there was nothing out there… cold… darkness… there was _**nothing**_ after life. When the stars all went out, there would be nothing left but blackness, a great big Universe full of Nothing. His only consolation was the knowledge that some day something was going to happen and he was going to die… the Doctor… Martha… they would be witness to it, even though they wouldn't know it was him… _The Face of Boe… leave it to me to come up with something like that to give myself a clue that someday I'm going to be a pickled head in a jar. _

Smeed was right, Kam deserved so much more than he could give him.

"Can you make him forget I was here?" he repeated the question.

"If that's what you really want," Henry's tone was cool, but otherwise Jack didn't know how to interpret it. His expression gave nothing away.

The Captain wandered over to one of the chairs and slid into it. "I want… I _need_… to tell him good bye, but he can't remember I was here." he closed his eyes. _I just want one more moment with him… One more kiss._ One good thing to hang onto…

Henry sat down opposite him. "Don't you think that's a little selfish?" This time there was no mistaking the irritation in his tone.

Jack gave him a plaintive look, "He saw me die."

"A lot of people have seen you die."

"But they haven't seen me come back, not in the last few hundred years. This century is so… frightened… of anything it doesn't understand…anything it thinks is alien." _Xenophoboic. _"It's like 1869 all over again."

"Do you _honestly_ believe that boy would do something to hurt you?"

"I don't know what he'll do. I just know… I know he deserves… more."

"More than what? Somebody to love him as much as I know you're capable of loving? Somebody to care for him… somebody who cares _about_ him? What more is there, Jack?"

"Someone to grow old with."

Henry let out a long, exasperated sigh. "So it's back to that again."

"What?"

"You live forever, Jack. It's who and what you are. You can't change it. I'm not sure you would even if you could. And yet you keep using your immortality as an excuse _not_ to live. Love is the essence of life. It's what makes life worth living. Why are you constantly running away from it?"

"I… I don't want to hurt him. He saw me die…"

"Tell me something – better yet, answer it for yourself – even if Mr. Anders isn't Ianto, even if you never come to believe in anything beyond the mortal coil, did Ianto ever _once _regret being with you? Did he ever regret that you were going to outlive him? Or did he simply love you for the time you had together?"

Jack didn't answer. He didn't have to. They both knew Ianto had never expressed any remorse about their life together. Short though it had been, it had been more than either of them had expected and it had been so good… _promise me you'll love again…don't wall yourself off, Jack… _"That doesn't make it fair, Henry."

"Perhaps you should let Mr. Anders decide for himself what he thinks is fair."

Jack swallowed, but the lump in his throat refused to go down.

"Talk to him Jack. Tell him the truth. Give him that much consideration. Then if you still want me to take the memory of your being here away from him, I will, even though I believe that doing so would be a great discourtesy."

……………………………………………………………………..

In the hazy place between slumber and wakefulness, Kam noticed a familiar scent… musk… heat… spice… he shuddered, but willed himself to lie still, to keep his eyes closed. To hang onto the fragments of the dream he didn't remember having as long as possible.

When he felt the hand on his shoulder he knew at once that it wasn't Henry… but it couldn't be anyone else. Even his dreams had been empty of those blue eyes. He didn't know if he'd ever see them again, but that scent… _please go away, please let me hang on to the dream,_ he begged the intruder silently.

Next to him the bed sagged as someone sat down. "You awake?" said a voice. A familiar voice…

He opened his eyes and his breath hitched in his throat. He shuddered again…

"Don't…" Jack didn't get the rest of it out, a plea for the younger man not to be afraid of him, because Kam had already shifted closer, wrapping his arms around him.

He was shaking. Crying. Jack pulled him closer, holding him as tightly as he could without hurting him. "It's all right…Kam... shhh, I'm here..."

Soft brown eyes looked up at him. "Please tell me you're real," he begged. "Please tell me I'm awake," tears trickled down his cheeks.

Jack brushed them away with his thumbs. "I'm real. You're awake."

The younger man looked up at him for only a brief moment – it was an eternity of fear for Jack, who couldn't read his expression – before pressing his mouth to Jack's. He kissed him long and hard, his tongue playing at Jack's lips until the older man finally gave in.

"I thought I'd never see you again," Kam whispered when he eased away, his arms were wrapped securely around the Captain's shoulders. "I thought… oh God… I thought… I just found you and then… then you were gone…" he kissed him again, a kiss so familiar.

_Like finding the piece that's been missing for so long I forgot what it felt like until I found it again…_ "I'm right here," he promised, giving the younger man's lips another soft kiss before settling them so they could talk. "I'm here, but there's something I need to tell you, something I have to say."

Kam nodded, although he refused to let go of Jack's hands. It was like he was afraid if he let go, he might lose him again.

"You're not human," he said simply. "No human could have survived…" he closed his eyes. "Oh God, I thought I'd lost you…" he didn't care any more how foolish he sounded.

"I'm here," Jack repeated, squeezing his hands gently to emphasize the point. "I was born human, Kam." He waited until the other man was looking at him again before continuing. "But… then… something happened to me. A long time ago. And I'm not really sure what I am. Here…" he took Kam's hand and moved it to the back of his head, to where he'd been hit.

"That's incredible," the younger man breathed, realizing that there wasn't so much as a scar where Jack's skull had been split open.

"I can't die."

Kam blinked a moment, seeming to digest that. Jack waited… however, "you weren't breathing," was all the young man said.

"I know. I… I die but then… then I come back. I _always_ come back. I've been shot… stabbed… drowned… burned alive… javelin," he almost rolled his eyes. "I was buried alive for… for a long time. But I came back." _I came back for him… for you... _He couldn't meet the younger man's gaze for fear of what he would see…

"That means you're really all alone," Kam's tone wasn't what Jack had expected.

He swallowed. He shrugged. He didn't know what to say.

"I know what being alone feels like, Jack," Kam told him softly. "The last couple of days… this is the first time I haven't felt all alone. My whole life… which I guess must really seem sort… you're older than thirty five, aren't you?"

He couldn't help the half smile that played across his lips. "A lot older."

The younger man just nodded. "My whole life I felt like I was… alone. Empty. Even before… on the _Archimedes… _I'm not saying I was unhappy there, it was a good life. But there was always something missing…" he bit his lip.

Jack brushed his fingers over his lips. "You really shouldn't do that," he said gently.

"It's a stupid habit. I only do it when I'm nervous."

"I make you nervous?"

Kam shook his head. "I make myself nervous when I'm around you. I… I like you. I want you to like me. Only I don't know anything… I was taken to a Red House when I was thirteen. I've been Serving since I was fourteen. I can please…" he closed his eyes a moment, fighting back the tears. "I know what to do in between the sheets, but I don't know anything about being with someone. I don't even know how to make someone understand that that's what I want."

"You could try just saying it."

"What if the other person doesn't want the same thing?"

"It's a risk you have to take… if it's something you really want."

"I… I want to be with you."

Jack held the younger man's gaze a long moment. Those brown eyes… blond hair… so very, very different… so much the same… he leant in. Kam met the kiss half way.

"I'd like that, too," Jack admitted when they parted again. He knew what Smeed would say... but it was his ship... his rules... he could change the rules... he lifted Kam's hands, gently running his fingers over the young man's wrists. "It'll be a few days before we can leave. There's a doctor on the Station who can remove these..."

"I can't afford that."

"I'll advance you your contact."

Kam shook his head, "Jack... a real doctor...? I can't afford that," he repeated.

"Will you let me make up the difference?"

"I don't want... I don't want to be the Captain's pet..." he bit his lip. "I want to be with you because I like you..."

He brushed his fingers over the other man's lips. "All right. Then how about this. You'll owe me the difference. Of course that means I may have to extend your contract," he flashed a mischievous little smile. "If you think you want to stick around that long."

Kam returned his smile, "I suppose if that's my only real option, Sir, I'll find some way to make do."

Jack leant in and found those lips again...

_I will love you forever,_ Kam thought at him, for the first time understanding what the words really meant.

Jack would live forever; he couldn't die. Someday the last star would go out and he'd be left alone in the dark… _but I'll be there waiting for you. Whatever happens, I'll be there and you won't be alone. _

-xxx-

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"_When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you.  
When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever."_

_-annon._

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**Again, I want to thank everybody who has read, reviewed, fave/alert listed this... yes, this really is the end, the last chapter... next week I should be getting back to Blood Moon and Black Rose and Short Stories... although maybe not all in one week!**


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